awkwardisoverrated

Today I had a moment, where I was trying to keep someone alive.  The memory of them and everything associated with them.  I'm learning all about Attachment theory at the moment from a book and this is called activating strategies.  Things that someone that has an anxious attachment style does to keep a person connected to them.  I should probably supply some context aye? So recently I reconnected with an old friend, with the intention of getting things for nothing or without any expectation for more.  Was I a fool again, lol I convinced myself that I could do it this wouldn't be hard like I don't even like the dude romantically anyways so what's the harm.  Again I lied to myself, convincing myself that this would work and I wouldn't get hurt.  I promised myself I would put a cage around my heart & not be hurt again like I was previously with this person.  I told him that in similar wording & we were both good with the arrangement.  If...

This week's been a goodie, as in NZ have adapted a new framework to support with protecting Kiwis against Coronavirus.  I say goodie, sarcastically as I don't agree with any of how this pandemic has been managed by our government.  Tyranny, discrimination, bullying, coercion, censorship & no accountability whatsoever for adverse side-effects to people is what has been actually happening.  The manipulation of statistics, fear mongering & press conferences that evade actual questions about the efficacy of the vaccination, and how the separation of the unwaxxed & waxxed is discrimination are some of the not so kind things our PM has and continues to do. This has been my observation, and experience in the last few months during lockdown.  The pressure to get jabbed, has got to the point where people have to choose their body autonomy or livelihood.  This is not very fair, it's also got to the point where you choose being included in society by getting do...

It's been a while since I last posted.  And how my life has changed dramatically.  The last 2 months have been insane for me.  Whether its on the work front or personal side, I've felt like I've been through the fire and by the grace of God, continue to make my way to the other side. So what's changed? you ask LOL while the first major thing has been I'm now flatting.  Had to move out of my family's due to my medical status.  The covid climate has been real and continues to impact the world, our country in a negative way.  A small lockdown turned into where we're still sitting in, due to the vaccination rates needing to increase before we're allowed back to normal life.  Which isn't really going to be normal for many.  Depending on your vax status, limits where you can go to.  Currently there's more liberties for people, and the unvaccinated.  However when the vax rate goes up, the unvaccinated are not allowed to enter hospitality spaces...

I sit here on my mum's birthday with work off, because pre lockdown we were meant to spend the day together as a family.  Thanks Covid, however thought this was the perfect opportunity to write about me.  Like who I am, cause realized that whoever reads my blog should have an idea of who I am, and I thought I wanted to do it as I'm on this journey of self love and healing.  So, here we go. Currently am 31, living in Manukau with my family and I have a job that I mostly love but am all the time passionate about.  I work in the Family harm space with families that are or have experienced family violence in its varying forms.  I have been doing this for 5 years after working in retail jobs for most of my adult life.  I studied at AUT University completing my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in 2014, my motto was C's get degrees.  I got it, but if I could go back and redone it, would've made more of an effort.  Nevertheless it was a lesson.   ...

It happened 2 Saturdays ago when I got the news that I was a close contact of a confirmed case of Covid.  I never thought I would see the day this happen.  Initially as I'm talking to the contact tracer on the phone, multiple different emotions are running through me.  Like really, how could it be Covid when no one else in the house returned positive results, my sister is going to be so mad, annoyed that going to work to help others has led me to be in this situation.  This didn't change much throughout that day, or week as I navigated self isolation in my work bubble.  My friends kindly let me stay with them for the remaining 9 days of my self isolation.  I knew it would be unrealistic to do it at home, and didn't want to go to a Isolation facility so off I went to my temporary home in Mangere. Throughout the day, our team had multiple different conversations with our families at work, and the Covid team from Ministry of Health.  It was overwhelming t...

I've always been the type of person to try to skip over my feelings.  I don't enjoy dwelling, sitting or embracing them, but have had to learn in this past season how to actually do these things.  Sitting in week 2 of a lock down and I'm forced to reflect on what this has looked like.   Crying, crying & being angry aren't things that I don't readily jump at.  I like to "just get on" cause life's way too short to be sad right?  Unfortunately I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  As I've tried to get on, my feelings come up in other ways, it could be irritation at a loved one, isolation or physically through migraines that refuse to go away.  I'm not saying that these aren't valid responses like it's the way I've survived thus far, these have been the tools, unhealthy they might be but they've gotten me through.  I've managed to journey through a lot with these coping mechanisms.  However I'm learning th...

Sitting at the start of another lockdown after not having one in a year.  The feelings are odd, unfamiliar but I take comfort in the fact that we've done this before and can do it again, it definitely helps knowing Jesus in the middle of this crazy time in the world. I'm real blessed to continue to work, and do what I mostly love to do.  Nevertheless it's come with a sense of fatigue and despair if I'm being really honest.  Obviously it's not the constant reality, but facing into stay at home orders means social issues rise.  Isolation, stress and being forced to stay home leads to work becoming more stressful.  This paired with sometimes the very real feelings of selfish thinking, of how am I supposed to keep myself & family safe when I'm required to be exposed to it in my role.  My default response is really to just get on with it, cause what choice do I have? like it's a blessing to be working. I have an income, I can pay my bills, God has been so ki...

I sit here today, recovering from really doing in my last post what I said I wouldn't.  I have to laugh at how quickly things turned as I compromised and let things go the way I did.  I'm laughing after about a week of insanity & crying and becoming someone I've never been before.  I sit in humility and really blown away about how so subtly but abruptly I became really the chaser on steroids.  Let me paint you the small version of it, cause am on the outer end of it and don't feel like being triggered so early in the morning LOL. It started with chats, that eventuated into daily ones.  I got attached very quickly and this was less than a week after matching.  This led to talking on Instagram, then 5 days later we agreed to meet.  In my mind I was really excited to have a date, like in person, I'm doing it, getting it done.  With a very attractive guy that I seemed to connect well with.   The first date happened, and it was nice....

It's now May, as I sit and contemplate the title of this post.  I for the most part have always been the chaser (i.e. any of my previous posts) of males.  I've in the past had this tendency to hold onto people as if my life depended on it.  To the point that I was accepting of behaviours that I would tell others to stop putting up with.   Flip almost a month from the start of this post, I'd like to say by the grace of the Lord I'm constantly learning & unlearning past unhealthy behaviour in exchange for new healthier ones.  I to the surprise of myself & siblings have decided to open myself up to new friends.  This has meant in terms of practicality joining dating apps, which for the last couple of weeks has been an experience. I've talked to many guys who literally after a few sentences have tried it on with me, one that wanted to meet me after Day 1ish of talking and then my favourite a person who was taken LOL.  There's so more to this s...

3 months down into 2021, and I feel like the days seem to be going faster and faster.  Days fill up with activities, which turn into weeks that have turned into months.  Within it, Covid is still around with vaccinations now being available we will hopefully see a dying out of it soon.  For the sake of the most vulnerable to it and those have been financially impacted by it the most. As I sit here on a Friday morning, reflecting on the week that was I consider the busyness around and within me.  Heading into April, get to leave Auckland for a reprieve, have 3 long weekends and my mum's anniversary and my birthday dinner.  All very fun things, that will help to fill up my tank that is quite rapidly heading to E.  This not before a report's due, continuing to house hunt, another NGO coalition following up workshop,  and general life admin to complete.  Don't even want to consider what's on the other side of my holiday.  Life is insane at the mo...

With the face and hair of a Niuean, the body of a Samoan, with limited speaking ability of both but perfect fluency in English, to the point of people confusing me for White. A thing that I use to be proud of because I sounded "fancy" HOWEVER this is not what I feel anymore.  I'm grateful that I have English (mostly) down, but I would love it if I could speak both my parent's languages.  A journey that I've started and to continue in the years to come. I was born in New Zealand, the country that I call home but reminded by my biological make up that it's actually not.  I don't often identify as Samoan, because I was mostly raised on my mum's side that's Niuean but heaps confused.  Confused in the sense that there wasn't much pride for the culture.  Maybe it was because most of the family were born here.  I look at my Dad's family and see the polar opposite.  Pride in language and culture where I often stayed away from growing up because I d...

Last night was filled with a conversation topic that I haven't and loved not experiencing within my family. My single season, my sister's who love me lots and just want the best for me proposed the idea of getting some dating experience, so asked if I wanted to go on a date with someone from my old church.  I kind of feel grossed out just typing that out. It's not a response to him, but more so a response to the very thought of doing that which makes me feel queasy.  Trying to go my own way, guised as a great idea from my family.  I sat in that space, with the very immediate response no while red and awkward from embarrassment.  I got all the but why's and pros of this person in rebuttal from them.  You need to try and it's getting harder to find someone, cause everyone has either got kids, or other baggage to deal with.  My sisters I love them heaps, and love that they want to try to help me it's just I can't verbalise to them the main reason behind my no....

Last week was a goodie, I say goodie in the sense it wasn't that great. I still have heaps on lately, work & personal wise so it's been really hard catching my breath.  This led to me needing a mental health day on Friday.  It was helpful, but I had to force it to not become an errands day, it was a bit of both to be honest.  I wondered around the mall, picked up a birthday present, looked at phone covers and got food.  I also got to watch some of a tv series that morning too. Overall it was a good day, where a forced rest was what my mind needed.  I have been inundated everywhere and I kind of designed the last 5 weeks to be more busy then usual without therapy it was back into that behavioural pattern as my default.  There is a report due at the end of this month, an audit coming up, workshops on developing a more effective approach to family harm, training as well as routine tasks that need to be done.  It's also not helpful that this is the cur...

Letting go, the act of surrender, giving something over to someone, or returning something to someone that was never yours to begin with.  So often especially lately I feel like this is all I've been doing.  Whether it's been letting go of unhealthy behaviour and thought patterns, exchanging hurt and offence for grace or a complete surrender of what I thought I my life was going to look like, in exchange for what it actually is. This has looked a lot like choosing to see beyond the natural, even when my flesh screams.  It could be my pride demonstrated as well if they have it why can't I?, jealously when someone has what I've wanted for ages, or bitterness when it feels like I've been sitting in a room waiting seemingly forever but never getting picked.  Letting go also looks like letting go of other's and my own expectations of self forfeiting these things for really how God sees me. If you've known me for any period of time, you'd probably define me as...

This week has been productive, with level 3 here I've managed to get paperwork done that usually gets pushed to the side because of other tasks.  I've been able to come into work, blessed to not be too impacted by these restrictions but feeling & observing the impact of it everyone I go, which is work & home LOL. Tiredness, annoyance, frustration & fear are a few of the emotions I've felt this week and seen.  Our TL is on leave currently in Christchurch so our team has had to navigate level 3 without her.  First challenge was one of our work colleagues has her son attending a school with a teacher who lives with a close contact of the latest positive case.  The school was shut until today, but with her result still pending have had to as nicely as possible tell our work colleague to stay home and work.  I think she's been worried about her leave but our work's been great with managing Covid so far so have tried to reassure her that she will still get...

When I think abut a process or have to experience any most of the time I want it to go quick.  I just want to skip over the middle bit & get to the ending.  I'm sure I'm not the only one aye lol.  As a human being I've become accustomed to getting everything relatively quickly or more likely now instantly.  This hasn't helped in developing patience.  I'll be honest, I'm patient with things that are important to me, ie. my family, work life, and health.  Not always but mostly.  When it comes to things that seem more minimal you know I'm yelling, pressing at God to just get me out of here. Minimal things like sitting in traffic, standing in line at the shops or when I'm observing customers being rude to workers.  Don't even get me started on my response when someone cuts me off in traffic, or working within a system that's broken.  Two things at the complete opposite ends of the spectrum, but heaps of the time I respond the same to when thi...

Today is my last day of work supervision, where I reflect on the 3 years that I've spent doing it. The shy, only ever talked to person if they were spoken to, doubtful girl that didn't think she could do good work with the community she served.  A single 28 year old woman that had no children so of course wouldn't be able to work or relate to any of the families that I was tasked to.  I sat with my supervisor with heaps of passion but doubtful if what I had would be enough.  Someone fresh into the game, but out of conviction knowing that even when it didn't make sense I was meant to be here. Flip 3 years forward and I often hear, but still struggle to believe others comment of how much I've grown.  I'm getting there in believing it when I see the work I produce & the grace that empowers me to do it.  Supervision has served me in the sense I get to reflect on my practice & growth and develop/be challenged in the cases I'm having difficulty with.  Sup...

Sitting, reflecting on the moments now which happen more regularly on plan b. My beautifully scripted, flawless & it's gotta work cause I got this type of plan.  Where I'll be honest, life is great mostly, but there's moments where sometimes it feels like I'm constantly an observer, a cheerleader & helper for others.  This has been the best for me in the past & often times now cause I get to witness a lot of cool things for loved ones around me.  It has been a struggle a lot lately to keep remembering this.  I'm not going to pretend like where I currently am is where I want to be always.   The desires & longings that I have in my heart for marriage & a family can sometimes be really overwhelming.  God sees this & has been so kind throughout it.  Even when I've toyed with the idea of going back to the girl I use to be, He continues to show up.  Even during the wee hours where I've been woken up to reminders of what was, what...

Value. What come's to mind when this word is said.  I know for so long and still now I perceive this as something that is simply defined as something a dollar amount can be assigned to.  As I grow, I'm finding that beyond this and if not more ,value goes beyond this. Where we put our time, energy and emotion can be seen as things that we value, what's important to us in regards to principles or morals we're guided by in living can also be described as a value/values.  I'm learning & still learning that with these things one constant amongst all of these varying definitions, is that there is a cost involved. Yesterday I went shopping with my sister for a work do tonight, and instantly I went into judgy mode.  I noticed a girl wearing shorts, but it looked like she was just wearing her t-shirt, and then I noticed the clerk.  She was wearing a top that exposed her chest heaps.  I then noticed that everything on display from the posters to the mannequins ex...

Internally the battle's we face only we know, the voices internally we only hear. The battle's daily that one face's only they know the reality of those experiences.  We can empathise, support and pray for but only that person who's journey it is knows what that day to day looks like. I've been confronted with this a lot lately.  As much as I focus on processing & healing with the help of others, at the end of the day only I can hand on heart know what that experience is.  Which can be quite lonely at times.  I have an amazing community and support network, but it's only me who has to make the very daily conscious decision to do the work to keep on keeping on through it. This can look like feeling really numb almost feeling like a zombie as I stumble through work or life admin tasks.  Doing but not actually being consciously present.  It can look like being midway in conversation, and forgetting what's been said because it feel's like an outer body e...

I type on a Monday morning, after a weekend filled with God's blessings.  Time with loved ones, working on well procrastinated things as well as sunshine & food.  I am tired, but my cup feels full & I'm ready for this season.  I went to church for the first time after stopping yesterday & it was helpful.  I will keep going and see how this space continues to build and cultivate what God is doing already inside of me.   Enter comparison, a friend got engaged on the weekend & without conscious awareness of it, I question why not me.  All that I have, gets lost as I try to walk in her shoes.  It's not nice to experience, and the gratitude I have, gets threatened as fear & doubt creep in.  HOWEVER as I journeyed to work today I was reminded that this season for me lets be a lot of my life, learning how to celebrate the big wins for others.  Last week I found out a friend brought a house & I had the same feelings as I did l...

  Today I had supervision for work and I cried, it wasn't the happy tears unfortunately but the exhausted & empty tank kind.  I have been in a daze this week after getting the all clear for my sling to come off.  Physically more mobile, I by habit have thrown myself straight into things.  By yesterday I could sense something was off.  I was grumpy, tired & done with people.  Internally disengaged, but externally acting like I was fine.  I'm also going to add that I'm hormonal too so this added to today's tears. Last night I realised, and sat in the awareness of my exhaustion, but then felt like today would better.  It was a bit better as it was filled with picking up & helping with donations.  I didn't do much else, aside from some admin, supervision & eat.  It was a good slow end to the week, heading into Friday tomorrow the last day of the working year.  It's been a long one so I'm excited for it. As I enter this p...