awkwardisoverrated

In the last few days I've begun to see where I've let fear & anxiety take hold of my life again. Things that I normally breeze through, have left me overthinking, crippled with the mentality that if I don't get it right I'm a failure.  This has been as simple as using the eftpos machine, not getting all the tasks I set for myself at work or something like eating too much junk during the day.  As I've lived my life I've functioned to survive through distraction & numbing.  I'm that person that pretty much says yes to more things even if my plates about to topple.  It's rooted in the feelings of unworthiness from the trauma I've been through.  I know that these things aren't the sum of who I am.  I know that I'm a child of God so whatever has happened to me, God is using (as uncomfortable & painful it is) for my good. This means taking the mask off my need to perform 100% all the time, honestly it's not even society's expect...

 A lot can happen in the span of a week. I sit here in recovery mode from a week that I know is the start of the healing that has needed to happen for years.  Healing contrary to my belief, isn't all peace, easiness or comfort.  From what I see and experience it's the complete opposite.  I liken to the physical healing that we go through when we're injured, my shoulder as an example.   When I injured myself in June, I literally couldn't move my shoulder without being in excruciating pain.  I went to the doctors x2 to get the diagnosis I needed to get the plan of recovery for it happening.  This has involved pain killers, heat, ice & physiotherapy as well as different scans and assessments on it.  All of it has accomplished what it needed to in the part of the healing process it was on.  I now sit here in September still attending physiotherapy but healed to the degree that my body has.  I'm in less pain, but certain things annoy it ...

Siting here on a cold morning, but it's only hitting 8am & I'm annoyed. Annoyed with the system & structures and well meaning processes that don't serve the most vulnerable within our communities.  I love my job, I do mostly it's just sometimes hard navigating a system that's not made for them.  Community agencies & workers are the middle men.   When I say middle man, I mean the in between Statutory agencies & the communities they serve.  Which for the most part I thoroughly enjoy, when there's really good outcomes for the whanau we work with.  A good outcome being in my perspective what's best for the whole whanau (which is almost impossible) but everyone does their best.  As I've been in this work for 4 years I've been blessed to see really good outcomes for whanau, but if I'm really honest the negative can outweigh the positive heaps of the time.  Interventions that are limited by funding, incompetence & poor decision makin...