awkwardisoverrated

This week's been an interesting one. Feels, feels & busyness.  Not the best mix for me.  Literally haven't felt so confronted by my internal critic in a few weeks & damn they've been loud since the start of the week. Anxiety has gone up as I approach the end of my working week and start of annual leave.  It's been a flurry of activity both at home & at work.  This as left me feeling like I'm chasing my tail everywhere I go.    This resulted in me having a crying session at home last night before I went to bed.  It was the ugly can't breath cry but this was an add on from the tears on Tuesday night, and yesterday morning.  I despise crying but I'm learning to embrace it when it comes, as holding it in only blocks me up & I'm short with everything and most things instead.  The cause of the tears are a mix of insecurity, fear and deep rooted self worth issues so fun things to deal with.  I can't distract myself out of expres...

In a season where loneliness & comparison are the loudest I've struggled more so lately to use what's in my hands. To use as defined by modern society would be to be doing, creating & making things happen.  Using would be action filled, moving & coming to a solution or an outcome.  As I'm seeing in this season, using is less then and more hands turns surrendered to what God's doing opposed to what I "can make happen".   Using is taking what's given to me, which real talk right now is the very real desire for affection, companionship & a family of my own.  Let's be real thank God it's not to the degree where I'm willing to actually download dating apps & force this to happen.  I'll be honest though, it's challenging not to want to, especially when all you're travelling through is hardship, pain & irritation.  I do know what's kept me from "putting myself out there" has been the conviction to wait...