The long path of obedience

Last week was a goodie, I say goodie in the sense it wasn't that great.

I still have heaps on lately, work & personal wise so it's been really hard catching my breath.  This led to me needing a mental health day on Friday.  It was helpful, but I had to force it to not become an errands day, it was a bit of both to be honest.  I wondered around the mall, picked up a birthday present, looked at phone covers and got food.  I also got to watch some of a tv series that morning too.

Overall it was a good day, where a forced rest was what my mind needed.  I have been inundated everywhere and I kind of designed the last 5 weeks to be more busy then usual without therapy it was back into that behavioural pattern as my default.  There is a report due at the end of this month, an audit coming up, workshops on developing a more effective approach to family harm, training as well as routine tasks that need to be done.  It's also not helpful that this is the current season here at work too, cause I really don't get to sit down, and pause anywhere.  Well I can, which this week I know I need to be more intentional at doing.

This brings me to the obedience part of this entry, I lately have been feeling kind of indifferent about the wait.  Like not always, but I swing from this, to moments of panic feeling like I'm going to be stuck here forever.  It ain't fun to experience but a thing that I'm learning how to manage healthier.  I have had many loved one's with well intentions, that ask me if I'm seeing anyone, to the very immediate response no.  I sometimes am met with the why, or the side eye like wait really?  or my favourite the awkward silence where I have to explain my singleness to them.  None of them are great experiences but normal parts of my single season.

I often have had the internal battle of why can't you just jump on a dating app and "find someone" LOL I smile at that cause I wish it could be so simple.  I know it's not though, cause I never want to go back to that person I was where I would only show the best parts of me in the hope that someone would see that I'm a good catch.  No, not anymore that's who I use to be, and we're not about going backwards here.

I instead want to stay obedient which currently is waiting, waiting which I liken to walking on hot coals, blindfolded towards the edge of a cliff.  Dramatic right, but this is what obedience has felt like recently.  Everywhere time I am obedient, I feel like I'm being burnt, and have no idea what I'm doing with the possibility of walking into nothingness and certain death.  Everyday when I choose to not focus on what my heart wants, this is what this feels like.  I've never honestly been obedient in my romantic life to God, I've always had my plan b happening in the background just in case God isn't capable.  Which is so wrong I know.  Now, the very dying of this flesh is what I'm embracing.  Not knowing the outcome, not knowing where I stand, but trusting that my Jesus does.  

He does, and that's what I'm holding onto, focusing on what's currently in my hands, being faithful in that knowing that He doesn't withhold anything from those that He loves.  Even when it hurts, and the obedience life seems like a big question mark, I keep trusting in Him, not in myself, man or what my current circumstances look like.

Praying that this entry is helpful to someone that is going through a waiting season as well.  God know's what He's doing and is kind and faithful.

God loves you big!

xoxo