Falling on my face ever so gracefully

I sit here today, recovering from really doing in my last post what I said I wouldn't.  I have to laugh at how quickly things turned as I compromised and let things go the way I did.  I'm laughing after about a week of insanity & crying and becoming someone I've never been before.  I sit in humility and really blown away about how so subtly but abruptly I became really the chaser on steroids.  Let me paint you the small version of it, cause am on the outer end of it and don't feel like being triggered so early in the morning LOL.

It started with chats, that eventuated into daily ones.  I got attached very quickly and this was less than a week after matching.  This led to talking on Instagram, then 5 days later we agreed to meet.  In my mind I was really excited to have a date, like in person, I'm doing it, getting it done.  With a very attractive guy that I seemed to connect well with.  

The first date happened, and it was nice.  Although in hindsight I overshared heaps, and I think he did too.  Him saying he was an open book, and speak so honestly made me feel obligated to do the same.  You know prior to it, I had a big list of things I wasn't going to do or say.  Nevertheless you know I did all of them.  What turned into what was meant to be a light conversation, changed to me sharing everything, and I mean everything, trauma & all.  He did some sharing but I don't think as much as me.  The date ended, he paid which made the experience even better.  He walked to my car, and said hopefully he didn't scare me and to message him, I said the same.  Driving home, you know my mind was racing.  Like wow, he's so lovely, could he be the one.  I know right, fully went from zero to 100 in the span of 2 hours.  Hindsight is a beautiful thing because as I type this, I realise that was way too much, too quickly.  I've been reflecting on this for the last few days and really think this has been a learning curve.  The story isn't over though so I will continue.

I continued to message him and it was back and forth for a couple of weeks.  Then nothing for a few days.  This had my anxiety levels up, like why isn't he replying.  I could see him watching my stories, yet no conversation.  I became her again, messaging him to initiate conversation, which worked for a bit.  Again I heard nothing, so obviously at this point all my friends are involved in my dating journey.  Let's be honest, everyone was involved as soon I got the apps LOL. I ended up going to see my girlfriend the week after and over drinks had a debrief and sook because he'd stopped messaging me.  This led to me texting him that same night (which I shouldn't have) and it went way past my 10pm boundary.  I didn't care, I just wanted to talk to him at the time.  Saturday comes, no reply same as Sunday after Friday night.  Monday comes around, I got a message from him, and to be honest I was really surprised.   I had reached the point, where I was over it, after getting interesting advice from various friends and of course the stuff I needed but didn't want to hear.  I didn't take heed to any of it and this whole chatting/not chatting occurred for 3 weeks I think, and then plans were made to see each other again, but didn't eventuate.  He had a farewell and then had no sitter, so I was fine with it.  During this time, he's being really lovely, so of course I keep messaging him (if I could go back in time, I would be screaming at me to let it go LOL).  Nevertheless here I was again chasing as I initiated the conversation that led to us meeting that week.  

Excited as I was, but in a crazy busy time at home & work (not an excuse) it's just had I really wanted to listen to my body and mind I would've just stayed home.  I saw him that Friday and we got food and went to a beach, it was just chats that night.  It was nice, we both shared more and driving home, I being in the tired state I started to fob out.  He was so kind in this and sweet, enough for me to lean on him as he drove and hug his arm.  I could feel his hand on my leg and I didn't mind it.  If anything my mind and heart are screaming wow this feels nice.  To be held and looked after.  This was the beginning of the end for me.  I laugh as I type this cause this led to me basically giving myself to him the following night.  Something that I swore I wouldn't until my wedding night.  Nevertheless it happened and wasn't beautiful.  It was messy and filled with thirst.  Thirst that led me compromise who I am and what I believe in.  As soon as it happened he pretty much drove me home, but of course I wanted to spend more time with him.  This wasn't a thing he said he was tired, so off he dropped me and I'm in Lala land clearly.  The next week I barely hear from him and I go off my nut again, but of course I'm justifying his behaviour.   I told her, and she questioned his intention & the facts that I didn't wanna hear.  Days past and I still haven't heard from, this led to a fight with my sister which I love so much for telling me how it is now.  Still I didn't listen.  There was even a pregnancy scare in there, as I started to feel really unwell after 2 weeks of sleeping with him, thank God the tests were negative but vowed to not do that again because of it.  

A couple of weeks later, we agree to meet again after messaging back & forth via phone now because I became so insecure with Instagram I had to get off it.  We met again 3 weeks ago now, and got food, went for a walk and did more physical stuff again.  Again the same pattern of behaviour happens, I heard from him the Monday after, but not after that and it was almost 2 weeks before I did.  How the story ends is that I became literally another person in the space of 2 weeks, having a panic attack, suicidal thoughts I couldn't even function.  I was insane, and I realised that with this I have some things that I need to work on as I don't ever want to become her again.  It's really not who I am.  We stopped talking last week after he said it work, family and other stuff was too much.  This was hard.  I had my friends do for me what I couldn't and after being desperate to hold onto something that really wasn't for me closed the door for me. My loved ones have been so kind to me in this time, I've processed the heck out of this thing, and don't have anymore sadness or anger or emotions to give to it anymore.  I let it go last night and God has been so loving in this, and he continues to talk to me and bring the right people around me.

I did jump back on tinder during that crazy period, and my profile is still up.  However for the time being, my focus is getting back to basics returning to my Jesus and healing. I've deleted it and not sure when I'll get back on if I do.  Funnily enough and having a fit about it, Sunday night came around and I saw my friends profile back up.  What I wanted to do was say my piece and be petty, but after talking to friends and seeing the pointlessness of that, swiped left on him.  I honestly don't hold any bitterness or unforgiveness or anything towards him now.  I truly wish and pray the best for him and his babies.  

I however need to grow and get back to my first love, and develop & heal what's been revealed in this experience.  Slowly, slowly I will get there, and learn to not become her again.  She's truly dead, and gone now.  Learning that even in my messiness, sin & mistakes, God loves me and I hope that whoever reads this is encouraged that He does the same with you!

Until my next post, God loves you so BIG!

xox