A reintroduction to me

I sit here on my mum's birthday with work off, because pre lockdown we were meant to spend the day together as a family.  Thanks Covid, however thought this was the perfect opportunity to write about me.  Like who I am, cause realized that whoever reads my blog should have an idea of who I am, and I thought I wanted to do it as I'm on this journey of self love and healing.  So, here we go.

Currently am 31, living in Manukau with my family and I have a job that I mostly love but am all the time passionate about.  I work in the Family harm space with families that are or have experienced family violence in its varying forms.  I have been doing this for 5 years after working in retail jobs for most of my adult life.  I studied at AUT University completing my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in 2014, my motto was C's get degrees.  I got it, but if I could go back and redone it, would've made more of an effort.  Nevertheless it was a lesson.  

I am of Niuean & Samoan descent Mum was born in Auckland with her parents from Niue.  Dad was born in Vaimoso in Samoa and moved here a really long time ago.  I was born at National women's hospital in 1990 and have stayed in South Auckland for most of my life.  We had a small stint in Royal Oak but can proudly say have been bred in the South.  I love it most days, and not sure if I'll be here for the rest of my life but can say there's no where really like it.

I have 3 siblings, all who I love and get along with on most days LOL.  They are my best friends and I'm really blessed to have them even with the headaches & fights haha.  I am the second eldest in my family, and currently single with no babies, yet.  I have 3 nieces & 3 nephews that are my favorite little humans in the world, even when they're standing me over hahahaha.  I absolutely love them, and they continue to teach me a whole bunch about the world, God and myself.  They are the best.  

I am Christian and have been in love with my Jesus for 12 years this year.  This hasn't been a smooth journey, had some moments recently where I put him on the backburner cause I wanted to see for myself LOL.  Yea am almost recovered from those lessons haha, biggest takeaway was his grace & love for me despite those times.  God has and keeps being kind & merciful towards me daily, which sounds really religious but it's actually not.  I actually can't imagine my life without Him, and am learning that with life especially in the current climate wouldn't want to.  I tried to do it for a really long time on my own, had a belief in God but that was it.  We were then forced to church by mum when I was 18, and haven't really left since then.  It at the time was weird, but now really would be lost without my Jesus. I've fallen, made mistakes & keep making them yet, His love covers it all.  It's not a license for me to go and live my life my way, but more an invitation to better than this.  

I can hand on heart, say that for all of my faith journey, wouldn't have been able to get through all the challenges I have without God.  Unfortunately being Christian doesn't prevent us from valleys, hurdles & challenges, it actually makes them worse to be honest LOL.  Nevertheless in God's kindness He always comes through.  Some of them include, but are not limited to, growing up in Family harm, Sexual abuse & the hardest so far, my mum's cancer journey & then losing her in 2015.  With all of this, have felt like I've been through the fire, but with Jesus have always come out on top.  Add that plus all the daily challenges, can feel like giving up but have managed to stay the path.   I've been to 3 churches in my life, all in different seasons that served different purposes.  I have many different family from them who have been pivotal in my life,  and am really grateful for all of them.

Now for more about what I actually like and am discovering about myself.  This journey of healing has taught me the need to feel, deal & work on loving myself.  I for a really long time, have been a people pleaser, was best friends with comparison & lived from a place of fear.  The trauma I went through led me to never feeling good enough, and that I had to work in order to get external validation from others.  I in my life was always the overachiever, helper and goodie too shoes in all the spaces I was in.  It's not that these were bad things I was doing, but it was why I was doing them that was unhealthy.  I didn't know what boundaries were, how to love myself and overthinking was another one of my besties.  I sought value from what I posted, what I helped with and from toxic relationships.  These were my band aids and coping mechanisms to survive.  When I realized this, I got super excited with my counselor and said, wow I was and have been functioning super well unhealthy, so imagine when I'm in a healthier place. From that point onwards, with this up and down journey determined to turn up and do the work to get healthy.  This has been the most challenging things I've done as I face into how the trauma has impacted me.  As I do this, feel my feelings, process & learn healthier tools I'm glad to say internally I feel a whole lot better about me.   I  am proud to say and grateful to God for the progress and growth I've had in the last few years.  I no longer engage in these behavioral and thought patterns, or do them less.  I go to counselling weekly, have my basket of self care & am learning about myself and most importantly how to love me.  I have my safe people I process with, stay accountable with & are working on changing the way I eat, to reflect how I want the rest of my life to be.  I really like walking, it's my favorite thing to do for my mental health & am getting back into running. 

I am on this journey of loving myself unconditionally, learning about boundaries, putting them in place & staying consistent with this.  It has been challenging but I'm trying my best, and biggest thing I'm also learning is self compassion.  I use to be the worst critic of myself, and she shows up still sometimes, but am learning as I learn to love me more, she's not so loud anymore.  I hit a low a couple of months ago, which I blogged about previously.  I realized that my self worth wasn't as high as I thought it was, humble pie was the food I ate for a long time after that.  Nevertheless it was a lesson, about me and my need to keep learning how to love me unconditionally.  This would be important in learning about what I accept from others, and to have healthier, more loving and life giving relationships in the future as I become healthier.  This was a moment of I'd say awakening & with the love and support of my family and friends, am really enjoying my single season.  Hand on heart, don't think I could ever honestly say that.  Now I'm like really enjoying the time I get to spend with me, doing things for me and growing in my relationship with Jesus.  I can serve, bless others when I want to, sleep until I want to, eat whatever I want & not consider a significant other. It's a time of healing, growing & season that I won't get back again so am determined to enjoy and make the most of it.  

A few months ago, in my dating journey you would've not caught me happily saying that.  I use to always feel I needed someone else to validate me.  This was with Jesus as well, so obviously it's been a growth point for me in my faith.  Whatever else I was trying to get from someone else, starts and ends with Jesus and me.  I can't put my healing, value, significance, security or worth into another.  It's way too much of a burden to carry.  No human is meant to do that much, only God can carry that.  So as I keep leaning in & learning on this self love journey one day in the future I hope love finds me.  Marriage & babies find me, but as of right now, I'm content where I am.  I know that God has and will provide in His timing NOT mine.  

I hope you've enjoyed reading this post about me, but even if you didn't I liked writing it, so oh well hahaha

God loves you BIG!

xoxo