In the midst of it

It's been a while since I last posted.  And how my life has changed dramatically.  The last 2 months have been insane for me.  Whether its on the work front or personal side, I've felt like I've been through the fire and by the grace of God, continue to make my way to the other side.

So what's changed? you ask LOL while the first major thing has been I'm now flatting.  Had to move out of my family's due to my medical status.  The covid climate has been real and continues to impact the world, our country in a negative way.  A small lockdown turned into where we're still sitting in, due to the vaccination rates needing to increase before we're allowed back to normal life.  Which isn't really going to be normal for many.  Depending on your vax status, limits where you can go to.  Currently there's more liberties for people, and the unvaccinated.  However when the vax rate goes up, the unvaccinated are not allowed to enter hospitality spaces and retail spaces.  Insanity is the biggest understatement.  Families are split, and friendships change according to your status.  I can't believe I'm living in these times.

My world has obviously looked different due to this, work has and will always be insanity.  Lockdowns just make it more complex and "fun".  However the biggest change in my life has been moving away from my family, I've always lived with them.  At first it was really quiet, and hard.  I still have those moments, but mostly I'm really enjoying my new independence.  Having a new routine & structure based on myself has been great.  However how I got to this point was one of the biggest battles I faced.

Suicidal thoughts and an almost attempt is what really woke me up.  I realized that something needed to change massively.  I really scared myself with what happened.  Navigating that, in the midst of a pandemic, work demands & family stress was like a never ending battle.  It's improved a lot since I've moved out of my family's, and I see some of them less.  I don't feel like I'm suffocating anymore, this wasn't entirely due to them, but also from my expectations of self.  I felt like I needed to always be the on hands Aunty, that was always available to help at the drop of a hat.  This took up my whole life.  It hasn't been since being out of it, that I've realized that my worth or value does not stem from this.  Distance from my loved ones doesn't make me any less of  a person, which has been the most freeing things I've felt.  Don't get me wrong, I realize it's not going to be like this forever, it's just for the season now, this is the best thing for my mental health.  I miss all of the babies, but stepping away from them for this time, will help me in the long run.

Aside from the craziness of moving out of home, I've also felt a shift within myself.  I'm more confident & stronger within myself & live in the value that God gave to me.  Things that use to bother and stress me out, I'm learning to not give the space to breathe.  I process, then let it go.  Getting consumed by what I can't control, is a waste of time & energy.  I'm trying my best, to enjoy my days & not endure them.  This looks like rest, eating nutritious food, and moving my body the best I can on the daily.  It also looks like limiting overthinking, ruminating & doing to escape and distract.  It also looks like listening to what my mind & body needs.  In the context of covid, this also means limiting my social media intake, instead doing other things I enjoy, and conversations that drain me or put me on the defense.  Mostly it means doing my creative best, with what's in my hands daily.  This is all I can do, as much as I'd like to have massive long term goals, right now for me is about getting through this season, enjoying it not just surviving.  

I can't continue to be swept up by what's going on around me, I'm learning & trying my best to just live well in the midst of it.  I know that God's still God in all of it, and He will right everything in due season.  I hope you are able to this too, easier said than done but worth it.

As always, God loves you so BIG!


Kerri


xox

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