What do you value

Value.

What come's to mind when this word is said.  I know for so long and still now I perceive this as something that is simply defined as something a dollar amount can be assigned to.  As I grow, I'm finding that beyond this and if not more ,value goes beyond this.

Where we put our time, energy and emotion can be seen as things that we value, what's important to us in regards to principles or morals we're guided by in living can also be described as a value/values.  I'm learning & still learning that with these things one constant amongst all of these varying definitions, is that there is a cost involved.

Yesterday I went shopping with my sister for a work do tonight, and instantly I went into judgy mode.  I noticed a girl wearing shorts, but it looked like she was just wearing her t-shirt, and then I noticed the clerk.  She was wearing a top that exposed her chest heaps.  I then noticed that everything on display from the posters to the mannequins exposed most of the body.  I realised that this was normal unfortunately in the society we live in.  Especially in Summer, which is partly why I don't like it.  Don't get me wrong, I was real wrong in judging these girls, like hello I use to be one of them.  Wearing whatever to expose my body to get attention from males.   The kind that deceptively made me feel great momentarily, but cheap in the long run.  I was the girl/woman that I judge now so harshly, not intentionally but out of a place that's hurt & craved/s more for myself and other females.  It's still judgement regardless, so am working on not continuing in this behaviour, cause have to keep remembering all the grace that's been extended to me and do the same with others.

Flip 10 years forward and if anything I'm navigating the space between making minimal effort while still looking presentable & most importantly being comfortable.  Literally could live in tracks & home clothes everywhere if I could LOL.  Also through my healing journey figuring out what/why I do to take care of myself outward & internally.  Learning that through the years when I wasn't wearing much, it was because I didn't have much value for myself, self-esteem was low & was very accepting of whomever would give me attention/time.  I cheapened myself because of past hurts.  This is not me anymore.  

By the grace of God, I'm learning/ed that despite what I've done/haven't done my worth's not attached to any of it.  My value comes from God and Him alone, this is freeing.  I'm learning to not stress about whether or not last week's similar outfit will be noticed by others at work.  I'm learning to navigate the in between of wearing clothes that fit me, and not hiding beneath baggy oversized garments.  All with the intention of ensuring it's for me, & nobody else and the understanding that I'm really not my clothes.  The last few years this has been a journey, I'm learning to love & steward well my health & temple I've been given.  

What I've learnt thus far in this journey of healing and having my value restored, is that as I'm getting stronger within it's reflecting on the outside.  Doing the work through counselling, community, my relationship with God & growing in self-awareness has made me value me.  For so long, I would do heaps to buy/gain value from others in the past.  This only lasted for x amount of time which only make me run to the next thing.  This journey is allowing me to discover & keep discovering that my value is cemented in God's love for me that can't be taken away.  I'm really learning to do things for Him & not man anymore.  

For the most part I like to think my life has been one out of obedience to the call of God, but I'd be lying if I said it was 100% of the time.  The intentions that I had in the past in helping someone or doing things for others although the deed wasn't bad, it came from an unhealthy place.  I understand now that it was only because I didn't know any better & now that I'm learning to, it's really hard but freeing at the same time.

I know that the journey's really just begun, but what I'm looking forwards to at the end of and within it, is actually being refined.  LOL I've cried so much in these parts of it, but what I'm realising after those moments, is that it's forcing me to get to know God on a level I've never been, and making me more like Jesus.  Don't get me wrong, there have been multiple moment's where I've wanted to run towards the wide road, but I continue to (despite my feelings) pick the narrow road.  

I hope that whomever reads this is encouraged to keep picking God regardless of what circumstances you find yourself in.  He's with you & will really keep doing the work within you, to finish the work He started!

God love's you BIG!

xoxo