The lies we tell ourselves

Today I had a moment, where I was trying to keep someone alive.  The memory of them and everything associated with them.  I'm learning all about Attachment theory at the moment from a book and this is called activating strategies.  Things that someone that has an anxious attachment style does to keep a person connected to them.  I should probably supply some context aye?

So recently I reconnected with an old friend, with the intention of getting things for nothing or without any expectation for more.  Was I a fool again, lol I convinced myself that I could do it this wouldn't be hard like I don't even like the dude romantically anyways so what's the harm.  Again I lied to myself, convincing myself that this would work and I wouldn't get hurt.  I promised myself I would put a cage around my heart & not be hurt again like I was previously with this person.  I told him that in similar wording & we were both good with the arrangement.  If I could go back almost a month ago, I would be yelling at myself to stop.  However I can't and I'm trying to see this as another lesson, that I will not repeat which in some of my defense I reverted to because I just needed a temporary reprieve.  This is exactly what it was.  A momentary pleasure that disappeared within the span of 3 weeks.

We met and for a few hours I got my reprieve.  Weeks go by and obviously I know I want more, but again its not reciprocated.  Well I get told that work's busy, family commitments are occurring & other stuff has come up.  I make excuses for the behaviour again like I use to.  Surely he's being sincere and why do you care anyways you don't like him like that anyways.  I actually don't, but I'm still human and not being desired hurts.  Even if it is with someone that treats me like rubbish even when there was no expectation for more in it.  Literally was just a physical thing, but that wasn't doable for him.  I don't hold any animosity towards him, more so just a bit of sadness and indifference really.  

I've learnt that after telling my loved ones about this situation, processing & talking it through with my counsellor that this really isn't me.  The decision to engage in an arrangement where I'm putting myself as an option, devaluing my body and emotions does not align with my values and who I am as a person.  It's funny cause after I told others about what was going on, and started to level with God about it the replies got less to the point where I haven't heard from in for going onto 3 weeks.  Man's just full on has ghosted me, which I'm now fine with.  I was hurt by it initially but had to see it as an answered prayer.

Although my flesh wanted to keep engaging with this person, who I will say is not a horrible person.  Just a little misguided and hurt, I know for the sake of God's purpose for my life, peace & emotions I needed to let him go.  It was way easier the fact that he didn't reply to me, and yes I have my moments where I will want to engage in protest behaviors to get his attention for the sake of me & my mental I can't keep doing this to myself.  I knew what he was like yet I willingly chose to re-engage with him, hoping for better treatment cause I expected less, went and wrecked myself with those lies lol.

I deserve more and I need to work on healing the parts of me that were even open to doing this in the first place.  I'll end with the thing I felt God say to me today which will sound whacky if you don't follow him lol.  When I was thinking of him today to keep him alive, I felt God say if you keep him alive you're keeping yourself dead.  I was like whoa and then I heard dead to sin, and this is basically facts on facts on facts.  I know that as a child of God, not in a rule keeping must do all things to get grace type of way but more so God loves me too much for me to engage in this behavior, its literally distracting and stealing from me.  So I need to learn how to love me enough to do better.

When I do start pursuing love again I will only expect commitment, clarity and reassurance.  No more convincing myself that bad behaviors from them are due to what I've done.  Learning to keep what's mine and leave them with what's theirs.  No more being good with bare minimum, I and you whomever reading this deserve the same too.

God loves you so big!

xox

Kerri