awkwardisoverrated

Ever had moments where you really realise how stubborn you are? Or times where you see that the annoyance and avoidance you show are protective mechanisms? This has been my life the last 2 weeks, it's been annoying and frustrating cause it seems that God is shouting at me about an area in my life. The area that I haven't allowed him to move in for most of my life, I've always been reliant on me keeping me safe in this area.  It's served me pretty well up until now. I sense its the part of my life, thats going to be healed next. I'm just scared cause this wasn't my plan or way I wanted things to pan out. I didn't want to "go backwards" in admitting my like for a person.  When I think about it now it's whats standing in the way of me going forward in God. Regardless of the outcome if I get butt hurt it's okay, cause that's temporary.  It won't be a thing, I'll get over it, if it's not then I don't know.  I re...

These last few weeks have probably been some of the craziest I've ever experienced in my life. No words, thoughts or anything could have prepared me for what happened. It's not a omg did someone die kind of experience but in a sense it is. I don't think I have the words currently to articulate it but lets just say that its to do with my family life and a raising of the sort. When you realise that you had a voice, but the stuff of life has silenced it in a sense, but then you grow and then your voice gets louder again.  Back to the way it was designed by the Creator. When things don't make sense but you have that peace that surpasses all knowledge & all understanding come. I may not know what happens next, but because I know the One that does I'm not worried, well not as much as I use to. The things that I held dear, that I placed my worth/value in have broken apart and it feels like my world of security has been taken from me.  However...

Lately it's been a confronting few weeks. It started with a conversation with a client that led me to realising I actually hadn't dealt with things I thought I had.  That feeling you get in your throat, and ache in your chest. What happens in the days after is nothing short of God's hand and display of His sovereignty.  I then get prayer for stuff from a stranger that confirms conversations, happening after the original one with my client.  That Sunday my family run into family members that we've disconnected from in the last 4 years because of past trauma. I got mad at God initially cause I'm like here we go again.  The rollercoaster of emotions that accompany my anxiety about not knowing what's next with my family. It's another layer of the onion that I never anticipated happening.  Like hello when I look back now it makes sense.  It doesn't necessary mean I'm ready, but experience has told me this is generally when things start shifting.  ...

Ever been in a situation where you like really like something/someone?! and what you find is that the more you focus on it the more you want it?  No? well let me paint a picture for you... The mountains have always come well on cue every start/end of the year (depending on your view).  Loneliness creeps in, boredom sets in & hello comparison you didn't think I'd forget about you did I? Enter me, the look at me, I want attention/validation from the most attractive available guy in my life who I'm in the same circle as.  So the texting and the flirting happens, the drawn out hugs, subtle touches and long gazes that only the two of us know about.  All an attempt to get the guy I want.  I don't settle, spending time with you in person is not enough, oh no I've got to have all of your attention.  This means countless hours of me texting you daily and vice versa (if you wanted to hey). The outcome of this was then me confessing my like for you and basical...

This defined by the world's standards would be riches, fame & prestige.  What happens when you haven't acquired all of these things?  What happens if living your best life looks completely upside down to the world's view?  Does it mean that this is not your living your best life?!? I don't think so. What if we redefined it by our standard?  better yet why don't we just use God's standard?!! Easy? No! Worth it?  Yes :) I say this because when we're in charge we take control of our destinies, we decide what our purpose and motivation is for living.  When we choose to surrender this to God, it's super hard cause you're never in control.  Like you have moments where you can think yes I've got this, I'm going where I want to, and then humility comes ha!  This has been a consistent thing in my life that's happened.  Nevertheless I'm glad God doesn't give up on me. I've been reflecting on my 29 years and am in awe of ho...

Ever had a season where it feels like every situation is a way of God growing you.  That's where I'm currently at.  I'm super uncomfortable, and doing things I never thought I'd be able to do.  Having conversations, saying & doing things I know I never anticipated. You know when you're growing, you have this idea of where you'd ideally like to be, but you undercover don't think you'll ever get to.  It's a stink way of thinking, but this was me.  Still me to a degree.  Which tells me I've been putting a lot more faith in myself than actually God Himself which is bad.  I'm making the decision to stop believing the lie that I'm limited to my experiences, because it's in these moments where I've listened & obeyed the voice of God that freedom and growth has happened. So grateful to God that I've been able to engage in hard conversations that have been so awkward but ended up being the most freeing things ever.  I'v...

So been reading and watching different messages on being marked & continuing in the faith.  We recently just finished a series on Spiritual formation at church and it was really good.  We are about to jump into a series called Defending the Faith which is going to be about Apologetics and I'm looking forwards to it.   I have been at my church for 13 months now and it's been challenging to say the least.  A lot of what I perceived about faith and church life has been shaken up.  In a good way of course, its like I fully had to be moved in order to be shaken up in my walk.  The cobwebs of complacency have been and continue to be blown away.   When I reflect on the work that God continues to do in me, I'm blown away by how quickly He's orchestrated things and He's shown up in different tests and challenges.  I have been humbled, forced to come out of the shadow season (where I had to learn that my value & worth aint in works).  As...

Over the weekend, I got two experience my culture as share in a moment that I didn't think was going to happen again. Long story short, I took part in an umu which was so good.  I'm feeling grounded in terms of learning that where I am is not a testament to me but my ancestors.  Sounds like super basic but it's taken me ages to get this lesson.  It was really cool and I'm loving getting to know more about my culture and embracing the history behind it too.   The other thing that happened was to be honest not the best.  I'll be really honest, it sucked.  I'll spare you the details, but if you've read any of my other posts you know that I've had a history with my bfs that didn't actually become my bfs.  I've had a history of being promiscuous because I didn't know my worth.  I've even had a season where I've not wanted to be in a relationship because it was too much to go through.  You name it, this girls probably been through it...

Currently at work, but feel the need to post. So this season has been different, really different.  I'm now helping more at church with Youth, which I've never done before.  It's really uncomfortable though, like omg fully have been pushed/pulled/thrown into the deep end.   I've also been learning to be more bold & assertive at work with the decisions I make.  It's been very difficult to develop this, cause naturally I don't stir the pot.  I'm also learning that I don't have to do everything to help the world.  Ideally I think I like doing a lot cause in my mind, I have a limited time here so I want to smash it all out while I can.  Not for me but for helping others.  I realised that I'm being very drained though cause I've felt super drained.  I go to sleep at a decent hour, but still feel quite tired during the day.  I've had numerous chats about the need to find and discover good self care for me.   In discovering ...

It's been a while. Seasons have changed, and growth is happening rapidly.  Changed in my role at work, which is cool it's stretching and growing me (making me uncomfortable a lot).  My family have another baby and another on the way in September.  I'm at a new church which I love, I'm serving back in church & still working on maintaining and developing friendships. Prior to my clash with change, I was at a point where I could see a lot happening for others, while I felt like a spectator/cheerleader in it all.  It wasn't a bad thing being in this season, buuuuut I did wander when stuff would be changing for me.  Baaaam I'm in the season now, I'm embracing it but it is very tiring.  Learning how to find that work/life balance the hard way, like I always do :). Now being 29 I'm fast approaching 30 in just under a year, I can't say that I anticipated being single and not having any children yet still at this point.  However I'm learning tha...

Ever feel like you've just signed yourself up for too much? This is me currently, I'm questioning my motives for a lot of what I do.  Lately I've developed somewhat of a rebellious, sassy spirit.  I don't know if this is just me becoming who I actually am or a result of not voicing what I've wanted.  I think it's a bit of both. Currently I'm just feeling overwhelmed.  Works great, my family is good life on paper is good, but there's something inside of me that I can't verbalise.  There's just a lot of feelings that I'm feeling so it's really hard to pinpoint.  I wouldn't say I was depressed, but more so just not myself, and I'm in a spot where I can't really talk to anyone about it. I want to cry, most times I don't.  Most times I find myself just longing, longing for this season to be over, longing for it to stop being so difficult, just longing.  It's not that I'm discontent, I'm just really tired of be...