To get over it, you have to go through it

I've always been the type of person to try to skip over my feelings.  I don't enjoy dwelling, sitting or embracing them, but have had to learn in this past season how to actually do these things.  Sitting in week 2 of a lock down and I'm forced to reflect on what this has looked like.  

Crying, crying & being angry aren't things that I don't readily jump at.  I like to "just get on" cause life's way too short to be sad right?  Unfortunately I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  As I've tried to get on, my feelings come up in other ways, it could be irritation at a loved one, isolation or physically through migraines that refuse to go away.  I'm not saying that these aren't valid responses like it's the way I've survived thus far, these have been the tools, unhealthy they might be but they've gotten me through.  I've managed to journey through a lot with these coping mechanisms.  However I'm learning that these things are not useful for me anymore.  

This brings me to what I'm actually forcing myself to do, and by force I mean literally pushing myself in the opposite direction of what my mind wants me to do.  This looks a lot like, sitting still instead of busying myself with tasks.  It looks like playing sad music for me to embrace my sadness & feel it, even crying if I need to LOL.  My old self would've cringed at that idea, cause I use to think crying made me weak, when I realise it takes more strength to do that then "to just keep going".  

Walking through my emotions also looks like being honest & staying accountable to my friends.  This meant yesterday telling a friend I had a moment and for a minute re downloaded tinder on Saturday.  She told me what I needed to hear, and I remembered why I wasn't looking or wanting a relationship currently.  I deleted it literally right after I downloaded as I skimmed through all my likes & old messages as I had no desire to talk to anyone.  It's one of my old ways I deal with stress, toxic I know, but I'm learning to shift & change this.  

Embracing my emotions and not trying to push fast forward on them, also looks like journalling out my prayers and being really real with God about where I'm at.  The loneliness can get quite hard, I'm not going to sugar coat that.  It can be really hard, especially during lock down, but I do understand that my priority is healing.  So I'm doing the work to allow that to happen.  It's made challenging when the last person I liked, and was talking to happens to work nearby my house.  This means I've seen him more than I would like.  Ideally and in most other instances where I've liked someone and it hasn't worked out, I've never seen them again.  This has made the healing process easier.  It's different in this case though.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, I don't even dislike him.  I wish I could.  However as someone who has been extended forgiveness & grace by Jesus I really can't.  So with this, when I get triggered if I see him, I have to make the intentional effort to sit in my feelings & pray through them.  It's getting easier each day, and I know that I'll get to the point where I'm not affected by him anymore.  I did say hi to him a couple of weeks ago and it was kind of awkward but at the same time, out of obedience was the right thing to do.  I'm mostly over him, and the whole thing, and one day when I do get married to my one day husband, a story to remember God's faithfulness despite my sin.  This is in regards to me & my choices, not him, cause I can only own what I've done.  

Finally embracing my emotions, means taking regular moments to think about how I'm actually doing.  How my actual heart is doing.  This looks like sitting, meditating and considering the day, week and checking in with myself.  It's taking stock of my mental & emotional well being, instead of being on the go to avoid it.  This yesterday meant realising I was in hypo arousal for most of the day.  I was physically present, but consciously not at work for some of the day.  It wasn't internalising thoughts much, I just couldn't deal with the many demands of working in lock down means.  All comms goes online, and I feel like the way I work has to adapt, but isn't done thoroughly as I can't see people face to face.  Pair this with needing to review how we work daily with cases rising & needing to ensure our residents are well.  It's a lot but I know taking a holiday wouldn't be the ideal right now.  

I will eventually, once this all calms down.  In the meantime, I will try my best to keep feeling and travelling through my emotions.  Through lock down, I will keep healing, feeling & dealing and because God loves me and won't ever stop, I'll get through.  Not becoming my old self, but a stronger, healed me.  

God loves you BIG!!

xox