Oh hey 2021

 

Today I had supervision for work and I cried, it wasn't the happy tears unfortunately but the exhausted & empty tank kind.  I have been in a daze this week after getting the all clear for my sling to come off.  Physically more mobile, I by habit have thrown myself straight into things.  By yesterday I could sense something was off.  I was grumpy, tired & done with people.  Internally disengaged, but externally acting like I was fine.  I'm also going to add that I'm hormonal too so this added to today's tears.

Last night I realised, and sat in the awareness of my exhaustion, but then felt like today would better.  It was a bit better as it was filled with picking up & helping with donations.  I didn't do much else, aside from some admin, supervision & eat.  It was a good slow end to the week, heading into Friday tomorrow the last day of the working year.  It's been a long one so I'm excited for it.

As I enter this period of rest, it will be my priority to plan self care & continue to progress on my healing journey for the year to come.  

It's now the 6th of Jan 2021 and in the previous paragraphs I was in the last week of work.  Flip forward 3 weeks and it's now a new year.  I enjoyed the restful periods of my break & am looking forward to what this year has for me, 2021 am definitely believing for no more lock downs but that I would keep the lesson's God's taught me during 2020.

2021, a year filled with possibilities, purpose and opportunity to get closer to God.  

It'll be 12 years this April choosing to follow Jesus and it's been a ride.  In the beginning I naively believed that my life was going to be easier after this.  I've found for the most part it isn't LOL, contrary to my misconceptions it's been challenging so often I've wanted to walk away, but praise God I haven't.  Even in the hardness of life, it's easier in the fact that I'm not carrying it all on my own.  If anything I'm not carrying it at all.  Don't get me wrong, I feel & experience all of the valley's but it's lighter.  I've been through many different valley's that have at the time pushed me to breaking point but through them, in the end of it have served to push me closer to God.  I've also experienced so much good & blessed with so much too, even in and through things that have looked bad/hard.  God has been so kind to me which I'm so grateful for.  

As a believer I've realised that loving God and having a relationship with Jesus doesn't make me immune to the stressors of society, if anything it's forcing me to a lot lately to figure out how I bring light to these things.  In the spaces where God has me what is my purpose, through family, work & anyone else I have some type of influence.  As the year begins even not being in church currently (which is changing this week), I've realised that closeness to God and loving Him means serving others.   This is not exclusive to the four walls of church, everywhere He puts us how are we being Jesus with skin on?  Serving others from a healthy place, not out of where I've been previously for man.  Instead wholeheartedly quietly doing the things He asks us to do.  Giving Him back the glory & attention through these things.  This is what I want to do well and faithfully steward in my years remaining.

I'll be honest, as a person who is journeying out of performance and being constantly 100% to others and self this is no easy feat.  It's going to take intentionality, discernment & wisdom from God and my people to do this.  It's going to also require community and accountability which I'm looking forward to building on in this season.

I'm praying that whatever 2021 looks like for you, that you like me would keep putting God in the centre of it daily.  It's going to be hard, but I know that it'll be worth it.