awkwardisoverrated

Hey so haven't posted in so long! last one was July its been so hectic but alas I am back! So the years almost done, and it has been crazy this year has been filled with so many ups a few downs but for the most part it's been so good! This year I got blessed with 2 nephews they are so beautiful! Love them to bits, said goodbye to our family cat which was so sad and also a friend who left overseas to study.  Obviously that's the short version of it,theres been so many other things that have gone on that have fully changed & challenged me!  I got a new job praise God! part time but I do love it and praying that the hours increase next year! I changed roles at work went from being stock to back on the floor and that has brought its challenges with it.  In terms of church, had a change of leadership in our young adults ministry and was so challenged by it, pride got tested and was on the verge of wanting to quit.  Nevertheless I got over myself and have actually se...

So the last 2 weeks I have been on break from work.  It's been soooo good! didn't know how much I needed it until I had it.  Back to work next week, and I wanted to write about more on Rest, we're doing it in church and I think with the busy and full lives we lead, we need to do it more often.  I'm so guilty of overloading myself with stuff for Loud and sometimes family, thinking that if I wasn't doing something, I was not being productive. If anything I've learned from this break and our pastor's message on Sunday, is that we need to follow God's guidelines of living and one of them that we all too often leave out is rest.  When God created the world He did everything He needed to within the first 6 days of creation, then rested from His work on the 7th.  If God needed a rest, who are we little humans to think that we need to not do it.  I use to feel guilty for not doing anything, but now I've learned that I'm going to be more productive in 6...

Two posts in one day.  I'm on leave right now so have more time to write and rest.  When I think about how fast this year has gone by it's crazy, have been on the go and it's good to be able to have this rest to reflect and re-energize.  To stop and pause to hear God too.  It's funny that with the quiet and less to do, the day really goes a lot slower, definitely makes me feel like I'm a child again having no worries and bills.  All you needed to focus was on yourself. I'm at a weird point in my life, 26 not where I want in my job and ready to move on but at the same time comfortable.  I had this thought today that I really do need to move because I don't think God has called me to live this type of life.  I know He has more planned for me cause there's so much happening in this world that needs our attention, hands, feet and prayer.  Globally and in our own world's the needs are great.  I would be selfish to keep living the life I am now, ...

Waiting; the action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or event as defined google.  There's loads more but for today's post I'll use this one.  Waiting as a christian takes the pressure off of ourselves and put it on God the reality is in my life I find this to be one of the biggest battles I face daily.  The period of my life I'm in there's pressure coming from everywhere to hurry up and do something.  Whether that be to hurry up and start my career, or the most pronounced one in the church for me is to hurry up and get into a relationship so I can get married and then start a family.  It's a struggle that isn't easy especially when all over social media most people my age are getting married, and having babies.  I hear God whisper that that isn't my story it's there's and in my head I know that's true, it's getting it into my heart where I struggle.  Closer to home my siblings are both having children w...

I have had the fullest week and am exhausted.  In all honesty I did over do it last week but it was an abnormal week as a close friend is leaving the country so we had stuff on plus loud stuff to during the week.  I tried to get a full nights sleep on Wednesday night and thought it was enough, but by the time Sunday rolled around I was a mess.  I felt like all my tanks were empty and had the shortest fuse with mostly everyone yesterday.  I cried and acted like a toddler because I felt like I had given everything and had nothing else to give to anyone.  To be completely honest I think I was also feeling overwhelmed with pastoral stuff with some of our girls, so after a long vent and prayer with some of my friends/leaders made the decision to press through the night knowing I could collapse into my bed in a few hours.  I left as soon as I could and once I got home I showered, changed and hung out with my family a bit, then retired to my room.  I chuc...

So today was Saturday here and was my rest day apart from helping at a refuge it's not really work I wouldn't consider it work, because I love doing it. I felt full when leaving that place and stirred towards the dream God put on my heart years ago.  Every time I leave that place I feel excitement that I actually know that it's what I really want to do and what God has asked me to put my life too. At this point in my life I work in Retail and am looking for a new job, I do struggle with a lot of regret that I didn't pick another degree where it would've be easier to find work.  However what I've found is that if I did it would've been for the wrong reasons for money and prestige.  Even in the job hunt now it's a struggle because I find myself being so picky or I just don't have what the job requires.  It's okay though because I know that God is working despite the lack of job opportunities.  He's so much bigger then what I see or feel, and ...

This week I abandoned my planner, not deliberately at first I forgot it and then I realized I'd try a week without it.  For too long sometimes I can become so obsessed with achieving different things on different days checking of my to do list.  What I found this week not having my planner and ticking away I was actually more flexible when change came about.  In the past I and still can be now, I'm a control freak however what I think God has shown me this week was the need to put down the to do list and learn how to rest.  It's funny how this rest came about though, when I ran out of strength fully came to the end of myself He poured into me and worked.  This is what an unplanned week looked like in my world; From the Monday I was already exhausted after having drama with my family that previous Sunday I was already drained.  It leaked into the week and was so tired on Tuesday and that was such a full day had drama again with my Dad and siblings but than...

My intention for this post was to rant on about the competition I have with myself and sometimes others that I engage in.  However we'll leave that for another time.  Instead I'm going to talk about being humbled by God. The last few months have been so full on.  With stuff happening at church and in my family I constantly feel like I'm on the go.  Last night I got convicted about the Holy Spirit about the motives behind why I do what I do.  I realized how prideful I have been subtly wanting the credit for things that really is meant to be for God. I always wanted to one up others and be seen as the one doing all the work.  It was so bad, I did a lot of things to make myself look good, whatever it was I had to look like I was good never seen wrong by anyone.  It's caused me to be in a constant battle with myself because when I left those people and places I would question conversations and was attacked with my own insecurity.  Praise God that no...

In a season of so busyness I'm feeling so stretched, in all honesty the most I've been in my life.  I feel like God reminded me that as you live beyond yourself it's normal to be stretched.  I say this because the last few weeks I've felt overwhelmed by what contributing to building God's kingdom.  We had an amazing church conference last week and it encouraged me to keep going perfectly themed it was BY HIS SPIRIT fully learned through it that I can do NOTHING without Him in it.  It's by His grace that He's allowed me to put my hand to the plow like I've been privileged to.  My perspective definitely shifted to instead of focusing on what I was doing putting it back on relying on God, I've been doing a lot by my own strength instead of trusting in Him, found shortcuts on how to do something just to get by.  What challenged me at conference was the fact that although I'm probably at my busiest time that I'll ever be in my life, it's not a...

Tonight I had a conversation with my Dad, when I think about it he got teary eyed because he was talking about hard it use to be when he wasn't working.  I really never thought about the struggle my parents actually went through during that time.  It's mind blowing now because to be completely honest it's very easy to forget how much my parents actually did for us raising us.  We as kids never went without and looking back not having my mum around makes me really realize how much they sacrificed for us.  Both my parents worked so hard making sure we always had full bellies and a roof over our heads.  In island cultures the way we we are raised the parents raise the kids and then we when we're grown look after our parents.  I never fully grasped this concept because I'm human and can be guilty of living my own life forgetting about my dad.  It wasn't until tonight that I really realized how amazing my mum was and dad is with everything they did for us a...

Yesterday was my birthday! today was part 2 of it and these last 2 days have been the best ever.  I have been so blessed by my family & friends.  Reflecting on the past year, it's had to have been the hardest year I've had in my life.  So many things have happened hard times especially but with hard stuff came growth! I'm so thankful for the year that has been.  This has been because I've never in my life had a year where I've grown so much.  Early on last year we lost our mum and had to be the first time I've felt heart broken in my life and God has been healing me throughout this whole process.  I've had so many fights with my family and we have had the most difficult times as a family in it.  But with them we've gotten closer as a family.   So I've become bolder and more at peace with stuff not going right in my world.  Losing mum I lost the security of my world when she went to be with Jesus, I'm thankful I'm going to see her again...

As I sit here I think about my mum. It's drawing closer to a year without her on Sunday will mark the year since she left us to be home.  I say home because even though I miss her everyday and how much I just want to hear her voice and hug her doesn't get any less with time.  I know where she's where she's meant to be, and I am too.  The pain of her not being here is felt everyday and I cover mine with busyness, I am that person that has way too much to do and still wants to do more.  I've been guilty of coping with distracting myself with church stuff and family stuff. It doesn't help though, it's a temporary remedy, the only permanent one is Jesus and His whispers through the Holy Spirit a lot of people will look at my story and be like if God is almighty and powerful why isn't your mum here anymore? I struggled with this when she was still here and on her way to leaving, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for healing.  I didn't get the answer ...

Today again, I found myself looking at the lives of others and comparing myself to them.  I didn't feel any better everytime I scrolled down or looked at a profile but felt inadequate.  As I type I now remember that if God wanted us living like other's then He wouldn't have sent Jesus.  We're called to be like Him, not your friend, mum, boyfriend or cousin. Stripped back there's noone like us and there will noone else like us to ever exist here on Earth again. Sure we share similarities but there's going to be no one in the world with the same DNA, gifts, talents or characteristics as us.  They are all gifts from God that we are meant to steward responsibly, all too often I fail at this, miserably.  Instead of doing what I think God wants me to do, I instead try and box myself into the world's best standard of myself.  It doesn't make me feel fulfilled, while I'm not there so can't really say LOL but I would imagine that it wouldn't make me...

I was on my phone for a good two hours tonight.  I don't have internet at my other home so was obviously catching up on everything that I had missed today and this week.  I then realized that it wasn't really for this reason. I vicariously live through others through social media, I hope I'm not the only one but I find myself constantly looking into and at the lives of others like it's somehow going to make mine feel or seem better.  When 80% of the time I feel the complete opposite.  I'm left feeling inadequate, unworthy and just like my life doesn't matter.  I'm not travelling, I don't have my career, I don't have kids, I'm not married so therefore I view myself as insignificant.  It's draining so I made the decision to jump off completely but actually be filled with stuff that encourages me and feeds my spirit (thanks Mele for this advice that I had applied to my facebook account but not instagram) which I now have changed.  I unfollowed...

It has been a good week, better then a lot have been in the past.  I've felt tired physically, mentally but spiritually I really think God continues to undo the bits of me that aren't meant to be there and develop parts that are.  So this week, well last week really I redid my CV, and I'm starting to look for a new job.  I know it's exciting but at the same time really scary.  If you don't know already I've worked in retail for most of my life, and after graduating in 2014 I think it's time to stop making excuses and move to where I think God wants me to be. Easier said then done right? I've been looking tonight but the difference is that instead of in the past where I've been looking out of a need, this time I'm looking already with an income.  It seems simple but to me it shows me that although as childlike as I can be at times I'm maturing.  Instead of making decisions based on my emotions and what everyone else says I'm now looking ...

So it's been the last month that God has been really taking me on a journey of healing and grieving the loss of my mum.  I thank God for how far He has taken my family and I in our journey but to be blunt it won't be done til I see Him face to face when its my time to leave. I'm I'll start with the fact that it's coming up really fast to a year that my Mum left us to be with Jesus next month on the 10th, time has gone by so quickly and it's amazing to think that this time last year my family and I were at one of the lowest points in our lives.  When I look back its really painful to think about how things were then. It's like that time went by like a blur.  We were in the process of getting our parents to be married, as well as take care of her as she prepared to leave and then after that my sisters wedding.  There was a lot going on.  Way more then what we could've imagined I can gladly say that God was there in the middle of it all.  In the fear, anx...

Last week I was having a really intense passionate conversation with a friend about modesty.  It's summer over here obviously and she was saying that it's really hard finding the line between dressing cool temperature wise, and not being revealing.  I couldn't help but take notice of every girls outfit at church that evening because of it, I was trying not to be judgy judgy cause I'm not God but as I saw more girls it got me irritated.  It's not that it was anything personal towards them, but more so when I think about it it was an anger aimed at the enemy.  As you all know I was no angel when I was younger, I sought my value from the opinions of people especially guys so I dressed accordingly.  Most of my wardrobe consisted of low cut tops with tight bottoms and if I was going out it was a short dress with a revealing top.  I dressed in order to get the most attention that I could, I just did not value what God had gifted me with.  Fast forward 6 year...