Oh hey Level 4

Sitting at the start of another lockdown after not having one in a year.  The feelings are odd, unfamiliar but I take comfort in the fact that we've done this before and can do it again, it definitely helps knowing Jesus in the middle of this crazy time in the world.

I'm real blessed to continue to work, and do what I mostly love to do.  Nevertheless it's come with a sense of fatigue and despair if I'm being really honest.  Obviously it's not the constant reality, but facing into stay at home orders means social issues rise.  Isolation, stress and being forced to stay home leads to work becoming more stressful.  This paired with sometimes the very real feelings of selfish thinking, of how am I supposed to keep myself & family safe when I'm required to be exposed to it in my role.  My default response is really to just get on with it, cause what choice do I have? like it's a blessing to be working. I have an income, I can pay my bills, God has been so kind to me with this.  I know it.  Be grateful Kerri-Anne, but I don't always feel this way, and working in responsive work can be quite draining.

Working during lockdown like today, can feel like I'm spinning.  With demands, and needs coming from every direction it can really put me into a daze.  I find myself less productive, slower and just really tired at multiple moments during the day.  I did way less than what I normally would do, as we met, and figured out the plan moving forward for Level 4 was.  This is to be expected, I know, each day we really work based on what's in front of us. It's what responding to family harm is most of the time, and most days I love it, and I can do it and well.  Lockdown does something different though, especially working in the community that I do.  It's beautiful don't get me wrong, however being locked inside and isolated from community and family, with fear & anxiety at all time highs can turn it real ugly, really quickly.  Unfortunately family harm doesn't stop just cause we're in lockdown, it goes the other way like I was reminded in a group email today.  I often battle with why I'm still doing this work, especially when I could be doing something easier.  Something less draining, where I could mentally click off at the end of my working day especially during Level 4.

What keeps me going is the fact that I have to remember my life isn't about myself.  In the spaces God puts me in like work, I'm meant to be salt & light.  I have to trust that despite my very real fears that Covid could be a phone call or food parcel drop off away for me, that He protects and keeps me. I'm mostly passionate about this work, and it's really rewarding when you see families coming out of abuse and making life long habits & behavioral changes.  It's like the best part of the job, and God plus this keeps me going.  I have to hold onto the fact that even on days when I feel like really tired & low, and frustrated that I'm where God wants me & will continue to lead me in it.

I end this post saying, that although working in essential services has it's perks, the actual reality of it is that its quite scary & brings a lot of anxiety.  The work isn't meant for everyone, and can't just be put down, to do something else. It takes a lot of courage & faith to do it.  Especially when you're literally exposing yourself to risk daily.  I can't even imagine how it would feel to be working in Health services, so please pray for everyone that is "privileged" to keep working in essential services.  It's risky business & only chosen by a few.

God loves you BIG!!!

xox