Currently

Sitting, reflecting on the moments now which happen more regularly on plan b.

My beautifully scripted, flawless & it's gotta work cause I got this type of plan.  Where I'll be honest, life is great mostly, but there's moments where sometimes it feels like I'm constantly an observer, a cheerleader & helper for others.  This has been the best for me in the past & often times now cause I get to witness a lot of cool things for loved ones around me.  It has been a struggle a lot lately to keep remembering this.  I'm not going to pretend like where I currently am is where I want to be always.  

The desires & longings that I have in my heart for marriage & a family can sometimes be really overwhelming.  God sees this & has been so kind throughout it.  Even when I've toyed with the idea of going back to the girl I use to be, He continues to show up.  Even during the wee hours where I've been woken up to reminders of what was, what I want & where I currently am.  God keeps turning up.  God hears & sees sometimes the very real cries of a heart who's hope has been deferred.  God in His kindness keeps loving me in this.  I can be very sassy, make plans to execute my plan b when I get in my feels and frustrations.  All of which are basically halted as I consider how heartbroken my God would be if I was to return to the old me.  

My obedience to God in the wait has been the hardest, most challenging part of my life.  This says a lot considering the massive things God has travelled through me with.  If you've read my earlier posts, you'd get an idea of how I use to always be the girl that would chase boys.  This would be done as a means to validate & give me my worth.  This I know now is so screwed up & such a lie from the pit of the enemy.  I did whatever to get the male that I had my eye on, to give me attention.  Flip forward to where I am now, and I still see remnants of her trying to rear her head.  She's mild compared to back then LOL. Nevertheless God in His kindness keeps uprooting & cleaning up my thoughts, behaviours & heartache.  All of her, and me.  This has been a journey of resistance, as I wrestle with what I use to put down to my genetic makeup to realising that they were actually consequences of sin.  Things that the enemy actually threw on me to keep me from becoming who God actually created me to be. 

As I discover more of the truth of who God's made me to be, this has meant I've had to break off thoughts, behaviours & relationships that lead me backwards to my old ways.  This has looked like not being in my feels about people not responding to me, or giving me the type of responses that I want.  Gosh the over thinker that I continue to keep kicking out is super resistant of this especially.  She fights me constantly where all I wish I could do with her is to turn the off button on her internally, if only it was that simple.  

As I wait, I can sometimes lose sight of all of the beautiful God has and continues to do within it.  Besides uprooting & healing the broken parts of me I have become stronger, less tolerant of behaviour that doesn't serve what God has for me & more intentional about the relationships I keep and where I put my energy.  This has been a daily journey, an imperfect one at that but one that I'm determined to stay the path on.  

Lately I have had so many conversations with God about the reasons for this season, sometimes I've had shouting matches with Him as I consider why I can't go with plan B.  Despite all of this, and my stubbornness God in His kindness keeps loving & teaching me to go His way even when I can't see what the outcome is.  This is especially hard, when the person that I like cans sometimes feel like he's rubbish.  Like obviously he's not, but his behaviour can be.  I'm still learning how to not get annoyed at his bad communication, understanding that I really don't know what's going on in his world.  Just letting God fight for me in this & everything else the wait entails.

I have had many moments this week, where the temptation to not go & do things my way has been extremely real.  However the conviction and that heaviness I feel when even considering it keeps me in my lane.  The waiting lane, where as much as God has placed inside of me to give to another there's obviously still things that need to happen before that does.  Determined to wait, determined to be obedient in walking in His will, not my own.

God loves you so much, even in your I want to go my own way moments!

xoxo