awkwardisoverrated

So this post is all about relationships, the romantic kind.  I haven't written about this topic in awhile but I really feel challenged and ptl like I'm winning on this front now.  Today was like pushing water up a hill with it though (I digress).  So thankful that instead of being the girl that wore tight, low cut fitting clothes not for my gain but for the attention of others that God has truly shown me the gift that my body and intimacy are from Him and for my husband.  I'll break it down. In the past, I sought my value from whether or not I got the attention of male/s when I would go out.  I was that girl in the middle of the dance floor very drunk trying to pull those "I'm so HOT" look at me dance moves, to try and get the guy I was eyeing out on the other side of the room to approach me.  I lie, actually it was any of the guys I deemed hot around me to approach me, I didn't care who did as long as one of them did.  Writing that makes me squirm c...

So this past year has been a busy one.  It's been a year since I graduated! yay however according to my timing it's way past due time me finding a career from my degree! As God as been showing me my life works according to His schedule not mine.  I do struggle with this a lot because I love to plan! I'm a bit OCD but it's only because I like things running smoothly.  As I'm finding though in this last season as I've let go of my controlling ways and surrendered them to God, He has shown Himself faithful every time, every need that I've had it's always been filled by Him.  Works a small example I can use through out the later part of the year I was getting more hours at work, that I didn't really want cause the season was already busy as it was.  However in the moment the week after I had gotten those hours something popped up that the money that I had earned the previous week was needed for.  At the time I didn't really think or thank God for it ...

So today I started my new role today.  It was good, as much as I would love to be inputting into the lives of women and children in terms of where I want my career in God has put me in this place for now.  Doing a task, that can be repetitive and boring but is meant to teach me some stuff that I need to learn.  Being in charge of stock although small in terms of the dreams God has put on my heart, I have come to the realization that it's in preparation for where I will be going in due season.  When I think about it the role is vital in the running of the store, if there's no stock then there's nothing to sell, no profit for the company and workers in it and no income for many people and families.  It can be applied to any role really, it's not like I'm going to work everyday without purpose, it has one not just the one I thought I'd be fulfilling in my age that I'm now.  I really think God has set this massive dream on my heart which scares me because I don...

This year has been crazy to say the least.  Sometimes I've felt like I've been so on my own and confused about what's gone on.  Especially in the realm of work & relationships.  A lot of stuff has happened, too much for me to all put down on paper.  Relationships have changed and some have been lost as life would have it more like God would have it.  I'm a stubborn person by nature, and as you can tell by my past entries I like to think my life is controlled by me, especially when it comes to love.  Ha ha is all I can say now cause at this point in time, nothing at all is happening in that regard for me and it's funny cause I'm okay with it.  I'll have a bad day when all I want to do is be listened to and hugged, but then those feelings fade once I look back at how much God has done for me and continues to do for me.  Love will come in due time and like Tori Kelly says it'll be worth the wait.  Really determined not to waste anymore time ...

This weekend was good, like really good with my family.  Work was fun and good too, it's like nothing can all be going right at the same time.  It sucks not that I was looking for something to go wrong but for the most part life's not perfect this is why I have Jesus.  When I think about it, I have to force myself to not get upset, I'm not angry or annoyed by anyone but myself.  I tried, and seemed to have failed again, times like this I just want my mum.  I just want her here reassuring me that everything's not as bad as it seems and that there's plenty of fish in the sea like she used to say.  I remember before she left she told me that she knew someone would come along for me in due time it just hasn't happened yet.  I wish it had but it hasn't and it sucks, not that I'm complaining, much, but sometimes when Tori Kelly sings most of her songs she's speaking about my life.  LOL all in my head would have to be my life right now as well as Dear No...

This last weekend was busy, extremely busy with our fundraiser ptl we did pretty well and we're one step closer to achieving our financial goal of being able to pay for accommodation & transport for our campuses retreat.  Hopefully and believing we can do so much more with the money raised that God multiplies what we make for the people we're bringing. So this brings me to how the day went, overall it was chaotic, no excuses I'd say it would be an understatement for me to say I was overwhelmed.  So many voices and so many people needing me on that day it was hard.  Obviously not doing something like this I was in new territory, I've always had the comfort of having someone physically being there to kind of hide behind but I had no option to do this and ptl we got most of our plates sold.  As well as the other fundraiser we were doing, totally thankful for the girls I had on the team they were lifesavers as well as an older lady that fully had my back that whole...

So have felt like I've had the busiest last few months ever.   After mum left had a break then was back to helping out with our young adults ministry at church since we decided on our faith goal of 100 people going to retreat its been really busy.  I've felt so angry, frustrated, tired, annoyed (still am now) at the amount of work that's been happening but no one seems to listen to me.  It's frustrating but I know when I step back the 100 people we take represent the 100 potential God encounters that can take place at our retreat.  When I'm tired, and alone and only doing it with a few faithful people and it's getting too much I get reminded of the verse in Galatians 6:9-10 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10 So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.  I'm not going to have this opportunity forever, seasons will ch...

Last night during quiet time I really felt like the Holy Spirit made me realize the value of God's love for me during the worship song of like incense.  I've always known that God loves me, but I really felt God's presence show me this love through it, and it's stuck with me for most of the day today.  As you can tell this season's so full on.  I'm more appreciative of the time that I just get to sit, sometimes  I do struggle to just sit and do nothing but I know its for my benefit.  So this revelation of love, came fully to me after just feeling tired and overwhelmed by everything retreat.  The good thing about it is that I'm learning that its not my strength but by His spirit could feel His love for me last night and just felt so thankful for everything He's done so far for me and my family.  I've been stressed, worried and anxious and felt so good just resting in Him. Could really feel God's presence last night in the quiet.  Really realize ...

Lately I've been entrusted to look after our committee fundraising and looking after the logistics for our campus's young adults retreat next year.  It's been a ride so far and only after a month I've realized things inside of me that God is working on and pruning through the work in it.  In the past I've always been able to be in the background, do my bit and contribute this way.  However I'm in new water now, having to talk about openly problems and encouraging solutions to be created.  Tonight it didn't all come apart but I realized that I do wing things quite a bit on the security that someone will pick me up.  I don't have that comfort in this.  I'm really having to depend on God and others who are relying on me to make calls.  I've realized I'm very double minded and I second guess myself a lot.  I am realizing that a lot of it is stemming from making sure everyone's being heard and aren't being hurt.  I've failed a lot in...

This morning I was woken up early on my day off.  It was annoying in the moment and felt like a zombie driving to the supermarket with my sister.  I really realized after having my fit in my head that my life's not about myself.  As much as I would've enjoyed sleeping in, today just wasn't the day for it as God planned.  It's not like I was getting up early for the sake of early of it I was actually needed.  Then I got this thought that the days we have, our life is what we make it.  We ultimately choose our attitudes for the day and our lives, our job is to simply make the most of what's in our hands and what we're given.  I could've continued sooking in my room trying to squeeze more rest into my morning when I came back, but it's like God didn't want me to after my niece was yelling at the top of her lungs, tapping and crying for attention.  Her mum was on the way out of the door for practicum and her dad has just gotten home from work.  I...

This week actually the last few weeks have been really full on.  Like I feel like someone or something needs my attention constantly and I'm feeling like I'm drowning sometimes.  I know its in this time that God is fully the one carrying me and urging me to continue in the way that I'm going.  Although I have felt these last few days and have relished being on my own.  I appreciate the quiet a lot more.  As much as I love people it can be really tiring at times and recharging for me means lying in my room on my phone or blogging.  Or reading.  Whichever requires the least effort I guess.  I really shouldn't complain cause I know so many others in this world are way less fortunate than I am and on the other hand have quite a bit and are even more stretched then me.  I'm realizing the older that I get as time goes on demands increase and its scary, overwhelming and hard to navigate at times I just feel like lying in bed hoping they will all jus...

So I sit here on a Saturday night alone after being invited out with my siblings to a movie.  I was meant to go home but didn't and then got asked if I wanted to go to the movies with a friend but said no cause I had plans with Dad.  LOL after all of this I end up being here by myself.  I was being a sookie to myself about it earlier on cause in times like this I can't help but want a boyfriend, but then I think God really challenged me by saying to think about all the things I can do without one.  Hahaha yes I've been wanting to compile a list of all the things I can do without a relationship and can only do without one.  There's a lot the obvious spending money, time and energy on only myself.  Yes selfishness is okay because I don't have anyone to invest in right now which will be the only time I'll be able to be like this.  Eventually when I get into a relationship, and hopefully have a family on my own I just won't get night's like this anymore....

So today marks the 6 month since my mum left us.  6 months on and we are slowly putting our lives back together after our glue left.  It hasn't been the easiest if anything its been the hardest time of all of our lives but I honestly thank God that here on Earth isn't the end.  Like obviously I miss my mum soo much time hasn't made the ache any less or slowed down the tears I've just learned to deal with these as it's gone on.  I credit God for getting me and my family through what would say is straight out of the movies.  I never thought I'd be one of the girls that didn't have her mum at the age of 25 what gives me reassurance is the fact that God knew that my family and I would be.  Not to say that God allowed us to go through the pain that we're facing on purpose He's flipped the script on the enemy and made it turn out for good.  The fact that we can get up every morning and keep going is all credit to Him, every time the girls and Marcus pass a...

Three posts in one night.  Lol I'm definitely making up for lost time haha.  So yes it has been about 9 months since I last posted.  Craziest year of my life so far without a doubt.  However God has been so faithful and loving it hasn't been easy but knowing that He's got me and my family is definitely what keeps me going!!! Our God is a good God and He is so faithful and loving towards us! So bit of a diversion from my previous 2 posts which were about my beautiful mum! This one's about me and my relationship status. No. It hasn't changed. Unfortunately. Haha I laugh because I'm actually okay with it.  Not enduring, not cheering and owning it but more like content with it.  I've accepted that this is where God wants me and it's my job to do my best with it!.  This place I don't think I've honestly been in my life.  I've always been the pursuer of a relationship even before I got saved, I was always chasing as you would tell in my other pos...

Dear Mum, I write this post in honor of you for the woman that you were to me and the impact you continue to have on all of us.  You have been my Nurturer from conception to your passing, your love for us never ceases to amaze me.  Your selflessness is one thing that I know I'm always going to be thankful for.  You were always putting our needs ahead of your own even right to the day you left us.  You were an amazing mother that always went beyond what you needed to some people would say you babied us but that was just you and I'm always going to be grateful for.  The laughs, growlings, hidings and the pickups and dropoffs are things that I'm missing the most. Your loud voice is what I miss a lot of too, and your out of tune singing and me growling you about the way you pronounce cold!! I know where you are and when I eventually do see you again mum I want to make sure I made you proud.  I remember lying with you that night and you telling me how proud yo...

This last year has been crazy, to say the least. God has been faithful and it wasn't until last night that I really realized how good He's been to my family & I.  This year we lost our Mum to cancer and it sucked, it still sucks now everyday has it's challenges.  Nevertheless I have this peace in knowing that she's up there in Heaven with Jesus and our other loved ones and I'm going to see her again.  It hurts a lot when I think about the stuff that I won't be able to have my mum around for here on Earth but knowing that ultimately God has a bigger plan is what keeps me going.  We struggle a lot our whole lives have changed it will be 6 months this week that we won't have had our rock around.  It's been okay though it's been the relationships that I have aside from my family in addition to them that have kept me going.  A lot of the time I forget that this massive tragedy has happened to our family, I never thought that we'd be one of those f...

So its 2015 and its unbelievable to think that 2014s over.  I felt overwhelmed at how hard the year was to be honest but by the grace of God we got through it, and now its a new year and just expectant for things to get better for our family.   Everyones probably doing the same thing by making new years resolutions I know I've made a lot yet to start them though, it'll be next week for the healthy eating one for sure though lol.  One of my main goals this year after reading captivating and listening to Moriah Peters Brave album is to be more trusting of God, actioned out in faith through bravery.  I have for the most part of my life was a timid girl who had major anxiety, I still struggle with it a bit today where I overthought everything the only exclusion was those parts of my life that were part of daily life like meal times and what to eat.  I especially overthought peoples opinions of me and this kept me locked up at home afraid to go anywhere because ...