awkwardisoverrated

Yesterday was my birthday! today was part 2 of it and these last 2 days have been the best ever.  I have been so blessed by my family & friends.  Reflecting on the past year, it's had to have been the hardest year I've had in my life.  So many things have happened hard times especially but with hard stuff came growth! I'm so thankful for the year that has been.  This has been because I've never in my life had a year where I've grown so much.  Early on last year we lost our mum and had to be the first time I've felt heart broken in my life and God has been healing me throughout this whole process.  I've had so many fights with my family and we have had the most difficult times as a family in it.  But with them we've gotten closer as a family.   So I've become bolder and more at peace with stuff not going right in my world.  Losing mum I lost the security of my world when she went to be with Jesus, I'm thankful I'm going to see her again...

As I sit here I think about my mum. It's drawing closer to a year without her on Sunday will mark the year since she left us to be home.  I say home because even though I miss her everyday and how much I just want to hear her voice and hug her doesn't get any less with time.  I know where she's where she's meant to be, and I am too.  The pain of her not being here is felt everyday and I cover mine with busyness, I am that person that has way too much to do and still wants to do more.  I've been guilty of coping with distracting myself with church stuff and family stuff. It doesn't help though, it's a temporary remedy, the only permanent one is Jesus and His whispers through the Holy Spirit a lot of people will look at my story and be like if God is almighty and powerful why isn't your mum here anymore? I struggled with this when she was still here and on her way to leaving, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for healing.  I didn't get the answer ...

Today again, I found myself looking at the lives of others and comparing myself to them.  I didn't feel any better everytime I scrolled down or looked at a profile but felt inadequate.  As I type I now remember that if God wanted us living like other's then He wouldn't have sent Jesus.  We're called to be like Him, not your friend, mum, boyfriend or cousin. Stripped back there's noone like us and there will noone else like us to ever exist here on Earth again. Sure we share similarities but there's going to be no one in the world with the same DNA, gifts, talents or characteristics as us.  They are all gifts from God that we are meant to steward responsibly, all too often I fail at this, miserably.  Instead of doing what I think God wants me to do, I instead try and box myself into the world's best standard of myself.  It doesn't make me feel fulfilled, while I'm not there so can't really say LOL but I would imagine that it wouldn't make me...

I was on my phone for a good two hours tonight.  I don't have internet at my other home so was obviously catching up on everything that I had missed today and this week.  I then realized that it wasn't really for this reason. I vicariously live through others through social media, I hope I'm not the only one but I find myself constantly looking into and at the lives of others like it's somehow going to make mine feel or seem better.  When 80% of the time I feel the complete opposite.  I'm left feeling inadequate, unworthy and just like my life doesn't matter.  I'm not travelling, I don't have my career, I don't have kids, I'm not married so therefore I view myself as insignificant.  It's draining so I made the decision to jump off completely but actually be filled with stuff that encourages me and feeds my spirit (thanks Mele for this advice that I had applied to my facebook account but not instagram) which I now have changed.  I unfollowed...