Healing & the conviction to wait.

Internally the battle's we face only we know, the voices internally we only hear.

The battle's daily that one face's only they know the reality of those experiences.  We can empathise, support and pray for but only that person who's journey it is knows what that day to day looks like.

I've been confronted with this a lot lately.  As much as I focus on processing & healing with the help of others, at the end of the day only I can hand on heart know what that experience is.  Which can be quite lonely at times.  I have an amazing community and support network, but it's only me who has to make the very daily conscious decision to do the work to keep on keeping on through it.

This can look like feeling really numb almost feeling like a zombie as I stumble through work or life admin tasks.  Doing but not actually being consciously present.  It can look like being midway in conversation, and forgetting what's been said because it feel's like an outer body experience.  It's a lot of distraction and sometimes moment's where I have to set aside lie down and quiet my mind, because it is just too noisy.  Healing can also for me look like where I'm smashing my goals, not overthinking and journalling, and all my other healthier strategies to cope.

This week's been a bit of both, where at work I've been getting work done but not to my perfect standard.  However it's me learning that work can sometimes look like this and that's okay.  At home, my room remains unvacummed, dressing table messy & my life admin just not getting done which I know is fine too.  To most, this is okay, but to me  this can be quite stressful to me as I believe the lie that because these things are undone I'm a failure.  Dramatic right? LOL.  This has been who I've been for most of my life.  Always wanting to please others & self with performance which I am now learning is unhealthy.  This journey of learning & developing new healthier patterns is where I'm currently at.   This mean's needing to become wiser in who & what I give my energy to.  This look's like limiting my contact with things/people that drain me.  I'll be honest this has been quite challenging.  Literally have felt sometimes daily the physical resistance of my spirit fighting my flesh as I determine to not go backwards into unhealthy patterns of thinking, behaving or relating.  Especially when more of my friend's "find" spouses.  I caught up with a friend lately and she told me that one of her friends (who I knew) had found someone she had dated for 6 months on bumble.  he look's like a good match for her, but I think her bringing this up was a way to encourage me to try online dating LOL, which I kindly said to her it's a no from me.  Please know that this was not me elevating myself above it, or dogging it, more so understanding that my journey is out of a conviction (frustrating at times, let's be honest most times) not just one where I get into a relationship just cause.

This was old Kerri, the one that chased and overthought (who still does) about guy's that I liked.  To the point where I got so tired of waiting, and now I know was so fearful of rejection that I told guys early into our friendship so they could reject me early & I could move on.  I didn't really entertain the thought of them liking me back, cause my self esteem was so low.  Stink aye, but I'm glad that God has and keeps journeying this with me.

Currently I do like someone, who almost over a year ago I told I liked.  He said keep praying on it initially, and I wrestle with the very real daily fight of this wait.  I want the wait to end, cause it feel's like forever.  This is made harder by the fact, that even though I haven't seen him physically for months I still like him.  Despite the lack of communication, I still like him.  More importantly I still have the conviction to wait.  This is what I shared with my friend last week, and my cousin a few week's back as to where things are at.  Flip year's back and my old tendencies would've pushed me to give up and do things my way.  I understand now that this is not where I need to return to, and as I wait, heal & live life I trust that God in his kind & sovereign way is going to keep fighting for me & leading me in the way I should go! even when I don't understand or thing's don't make sense.

Watch this space.

God love's you big even in your I want to go my own way moment's LOL

xox