awkwardisoverrated

Today I had a moment, where I was trying to keep someone alive.  The memory of them and everything associated with them.  I'm learning all about Attachment theory at the moment from a book and this is called activating strategies.  Things that someone that has an anxious attachment style does to keep a person connected to them.  I should probably supply some context aye? So recently I reconnected with an old friend, with the intention of getting things for nothing or without any expectation for more.  Was I a fool again, lol I convinced myself that I could do it this wouldn't be hard like I don't even like the dude romantically anyways so what's the harm.  Again I lied to myself, convincing myself that this would work and I wouldn't get hurt.  I promised myself I would put a cage around my heart & not be hurt again like I was previously with this person.  I told him that in similar wording & we were both good with the arrangement.  If...

This week's been a goodie, as in NZ have adapted a new framework to support with protecting Kiwis against Coronavirus.  I say goodie, sarcastically as I don't agree with any of how this pandemic has been managed by our government.  Tyranny, discrimination, bullying, coercion, censorship & no accountability whatsoever for adverse side-effects to people is what has been actually happening.  The manipulation of statistics, fear mongering & press conferences that evade actual questions about the efficacy of the vaccination, and how the separation of the unwaxxed & waxxed is discrimination are some of the not so kind things our PM has and continues to do. This has been my observation, and experience in the last few months during lockdown.  The pressure to get jabbed, has got to the point where people have to choose their body autonomy or livelihood.  This is not very fair, it's also got to the point where you choose being included in society by getting do...

It's been a while since I last posted.  And how my life has changed dramatically.  The last 2 months have been insane for me.  Whether its on the work front or personal side, I've felt like I've been through the fire and by the grace of God, continue to make my way to the other side. So what's changed? you ask LOL while the first major thing has been I'm now flatting.  Had to move out of my family's due to my medical status.  The covid climate has been real and continues to impact the world, our country in a negative way.  A small lockdown turned into where we're still sitting in, due to the vaccination rates needing to increase before we're allowed back to normal life.  Which isn't really going to be normal for many.  Depending on your vax status, limits where you can go to.  Currently there's more liberties for people, and the unvaccinated.  However when the vax rate goes up, the unvaccinated are not allowed to enter hospitality spaces...

I sit here on my mum's birthday with work off, because pre lockdown we were meant to spend the day together as a family.  Thanks Covid, however thought this was the perfect opportunity to write about me.  Like who I am, cause realized that whoever reads my blog should have an idea of who I am, and I thought I wanted to do it as I'm on this journey of self love and healing.  So, here we go. Currently am 31, living in Manukau with my family and I have a job that I mostly love but am all the time passionate about.  I work in the Family harm space with families that are or have experienced family violence in its varying forms.  I have been doing this for 5 years after working in retail jobs for most of my adult life.  I studied at AUT University completing my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in 2014, my motto was C's get degrees.  I got it, but if I could go back and redone it, would've made more of an effort.  Nevertheless it was a lesson.   ...

It happened 2 Saturdays ago when I got the news that I was a close contact of a confirmed case of Covid.  I never thought I would see the day this happen.  Initially as I'm talking to the contact tracer on the phone, multiple different emotions are running through me.  Like really, how could it be Covid when no one else in the house returned positive results, my sister is going to be so mad, annoyed that going to work to help others has led me to be in this situation.  This didn't change much throughout that day, or week as I navigated self isolation in my work bubble.  My friends kindly let me stay with them for the remaining 9 days of my self isolation.  I knew it would be unrealistic to do it at home, and didn't want to go to a Isolation facility so off I went to my temporary home in Mangere. Throughout the day, our team had multiple different conversations with our families at work, and the Covid team from Ministry of Health.  It was overwhelming t...

I've always been the type of person to try to skip over my feelings.  I don't enjoy dwelling, sitting or embracing them, but have had to learn in this past season how to actually do these things.  Sitting in week 2 of a lock down and I'm forced to reflect on what this has looked like.   Crying, crying & being angry aren't things that I don't readily jump at.  I like to "just get on" cause life's way too short to be sad right?  Unfortunately I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  As I've tried to get on, my feelings come up in other ways, it could be irritation at a loved one, isolation or physically through migraines that refuse to go away.  I'm not saying that these aren't valid responses like it's the way I've survived thus far, these have been the tools, unhealthy they might be but they've gotten me through.  I've managed to journey through a lot with these coping mechanisms.  However I'm learning th...

Sitting at the start of another lockdown after not having one in a year.  The feelings are odd, unfamiliar but I take comfort in the fact that we've done this before and can do it again, it definitely helps knowing Jesus in the middle of this crazy time in the world. I'm real blessed to continue to work, and do what I mostly love to do.  Nevertheless it's come with a sense of fatigue and despair if I'm being really honest.  Obviously it's not the constant reality, but facing into stay at home orders means social issues rise.  Isolation, stress and being forced to stay home leads to work becoming more stressful.  This paired with sometimes the very real feelings of selfish thinking, of how am I supposed to keep myself & family safe when I'm required to be exposed to it in my role.  My default response is really to just get on with it, cause what choice do I have? like it's a blessing to be working. I have an income, I can pay my bills, God has been so ki...