awkwardisoverrated

It happened 2 Saturdays ago when I got the news that I was a close contact of a confirmed case of Covid.  I never thought I would see the day this happen.  Initially as I'm talking to the contact tracer on the phone, multiple different emotions are running through me.  Like really, how could it be Covid when no one else in the house returned positive results, my sister is going to be so mad, annoyed that going to work to help others has led me to be in this situation.  This didn't change much throughout that day, or week as I navigated self isolation in my work bubble.  My friends kindly let me stay with them for the remaining 9 days of my self isolation.  I knew it would be unrealistic to do it at home, and didn't want to go to a Isolation facility so off I went to my temporary home in Mangere. Throughout the day, our team had multiple different conversations with our families at work, and the Covid team from Ministry of Health.  It was overwhelming t...

I've always been the type of person to try to skip over my feelings.  I don't enjoy dwelling, sitting or embracing them, but have had to learn in this past season how to actually do these things.  Sitting in week 2 of a lock down and I'm forced to reflect on what this has looked like.   Crying, crying & being angry aren't things that I don't readily jump at.  I like to "just get on" cause life's way too short to be sad right?  Unfortunately I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  As I've tried to get on, my feelings come up in other ways, it could be irritation at a loved one, isolation or physically through migraines that refuse to go away.  I'm not saying that these aren't valid responses like it's the way I've survived thus far, these have been the tools, unhealthy they might be but they've gotten me through.  I've managed to journey through a lot with these coping mechanisms.  However I'm learning th...

Sitting at the start of another lockdown after not having one in a year.  The feelings are odd, unfamiliar but I take comfort in the fact that we've done this before and can do it again, it definitely helps knowing Jesus in the middle of this crazy time in the world. I'm real blessed to continue to work, and do what I mostly love to do.  Nevertheless it's come with a sense of fatigue and despair if I'm being really honest.  Obviously it's not the constant reality, but facing into stay at home orders means social issues rise.  Isolation, stress and being forced to stay home leads to work becoming more stressful.  This paired with sometimes the very real feelings of selfish thinking, of how am I supposed to keep myself & family safe when I'm required to be exposed to it in my role.  My default response is really to just get on with it, cause what choice do I have? like it's a blessing to be working. I have an income, I can pay my bills, God has been so ki...

I sit here today, recovering from really doing in my last post what I said I wouldn't.  I have to laugh at how quickly things turned as I compromised and let things go the way I did.  I'm laughing after about a week of insanity & crying and becoming someone I've never been before.  I sit in humility and really blown away about how so subtly but abruptly I became really the chaser on steroids.  Let me paint you the small version of it, cause am on the outer end of it and don't feel like being triggered so early in the morning LOL. It started with chats, that eventuated into daily ones.  I got attached very quickly and this was less than a week after matching.  This led to talking on Instagram, then 5 days later we agreed to meet.  In my mind I was really excited to have a date, like in person, I'm doing it, getting it done.  With a very attractive guy that I seemed to connect well with.   The first date happened, and it was nice....

It's now May, as I sit and contemplate the title of this post.  I for the most part have always been the chaser (i.e. any of my previous posts) of males.  I've in the past had this tendency to hold onto people as if my life depended on it.  To the point that I was accepting of behaviours that I would tell others to stop putting up with.   Flip almost a month from the start of this post, I'd like to say by the grace of the Lord I'm constantly learning & unlearning past unhealthy behaviour in exchange for new healthier ones.  I to the surprise of myself & siblings have decided to open myself up to new friends.  This has meant in terms of practicality joining dating apps, which for the last couple of weeks has been an experience. I've talked to many guys who literally after a few sentences have tried it on with me, one that wanted to meet me after Day 1ish of talking and then my favourite a person who was taken LOL.  There's so more to this s...

3 months down into 2021, and I feel like the days seem to be going faster and faster.  Days fill up with activities, which turn into weeks that have turned into months.  Within it, Covid is still around with vaccinations now being available we will hopefully see a dying out of it soon.  For the sake of the most vulnerable to it and those have been financially impacted by it the most. As I sit here on a Friday morning, reflecting on the week that was I consider the busyness around and within me.  Heading into April, get to leave Auckland for a reprieve, have 3 long weekends and my mum's anniversary and my birthday dinner.  All very fun things, that will help to fill up my tank that is quite rapidly heading to E.  This not before a report's due, continuing to house hunt, another NGO coalition following up workshop,  and general life admin to complete.  Don't even want to consider what's on the other side of my holiday.  Life is insane at the mo...

With the face and hair of a Niuean, the body of a Samoan, with limited speaking ability of both but perfect fluency in English, to the point of people confusing me for White. A thing that I use to be proud of because I sounded "fancy" HOWEVER this is not what I feel anymore.  I'm grateful that I have English (mostly) down, but I would love it if I could speak both my parent's languages.  A journey that I've started and to continue in the years to come. I was born in New Zealand, the country that I call home but reminded by my biological make up that it's actually not.  I don't often identify as Samoan, because I was mostly raised on my mum's side that's Niuean but heaps confused.  Confused in the sense that there wasn't much pride for the culture.  Maybe it was because most of the family were born here.  I look at my Dad's family and see the polar opposite.  Pride in language and culture where I often stayed away from growing up because I d...