I wish I was an octopus

This week actually the last few weeks have been really full on.  Like I feel like someone or something needs my attention constantly and I'm feeling like I'm drowning sometimes.  I know its in this time that God is fully the one carrying me and urging me to continue in the way that I'm going.  Although I have felt these last few days and have relished being on my own.  I appreciate the quiet a lot more.  As much as I love people it can be really tiring at times and recharging for me means lying in my room on my phone or blogging.  Or reading.  Whichever requires the least effort I guess.  I really shouldn't complain cause I know so many others in this world are way less fortunate than I am and on the other hand have quite a bit and are even more stretched then me.  I'm realizing the older that I get as time goes on demands increase and its scary, overwhelming and hard to navigate at times I just feel like lying in bed hoping they will all just go away.  I know they won't though.  Prime example is planning for our Retreat next year, carrying this with a new committee with pretty much no other leaders bar our West one and old one my right hand Carol it's me meant to drive this.  It's testing me and challenging me on all levels that I in the past just have had the luxury of running and hiding behind the person in charge of me.  I don't have this comfort this time, and it's just the start and I'm already being challenged by patience, communication problems and dealing with conflict.  Three things that are vices of mine.  I feel burnt out and am tired but I know that this is where God will step in cause I know in my weakness He is strongest.  I know it will all get done, I have faith that God won't want any of His 100 kids we plan on taking missing out because of logistics.  Claiming in the name of Jesus that all of these small things will be sorted beyond our expectation. Another thing that has been on my mind a lot has been people and their needs in my world.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, cause I have a lot of girls that I'm meant to be looking after and then my family too.  What I feel like God showed me this weekend that it's not one or the other that I have to choose, but I can look after both and more with His help.  Relying on my strength has been my downfall and I have reverted to being a hermit.  I know that running away and acting like I'm not needed isn't going to make the people in my world not need me less I'm stupid to think that it's me they need to be honest, it's not really me at the end of the day.  It's God through me that they need and I always need to come back to this so I won't get bitter or resentful.  I'm His vessel and my life isn't my own, I chose to lose it once I started following Him.  Knowing this is a fight against my flesh, cause I have all my ways of understanding and doing but I know once I just rest in Him and His ways, He'll be the octopus that I need cause like in the Bible it says I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me NOT some things.  It's another level God is calling me to, and I'm going to reluctantly take His hand knowing that it's okay that I don't have it all together because He has.  He has!!

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