awkwardisoverrated

This week's been an interesting one. Feels, feels & busyness.  Not the best mix for me.  Literally haven't felt so confronted by my internal critic in a few weeks & damn they've been loud since the start of the week. Anxiety has gone up as I approach the end of my working week and start of annual leave.  It's been a flurry of activity both at home & at work.  This as left me feeling like I'm chasing my tail everywhere I go.    This resulted in me having a crying session at home last night before I went to bed.  It was the ugly can't breath cry but this was an add on from the tears on Tuesday night, and yesterday morning.  I despise crying but I'm learning to embrace it when it comes, as holding it in only blocks me up & I'm short with everything and most things instead.  The cause of the tears are a mix of insecurity, fear and deep rooted self worth issues so fun things to deal with.  I can't distract myself out of expres...

In a season where loneliness & comparison are the loudest I've struggled more so lately to use what's in my hands. To use as defined by modern society would be to be doing, creating & making things happen.  Using would be action filled, moving & coming to a solution or an outcome.  As I'm seeing in this season, using is less then and more hands turns surrendered to what God's doing opposed to what I "can make happen".   Using is taking what's given to me, which real talk right now is the very real desire for affection, companionship & a family of my own.  Let's be real thank God it's not to the degree where I'm willing to actually download dating apps & force this to happen.  I'll be honest though, it's challenging not to want to, especially when all you're travelling through is hardship, pain & irritation.  I do know what's kept me from "putting myself out there" has been the conviction to wait...

In the last few days I've begun to see where I've let fear & anxiety take hold of my life again. Things that I normally breeze through, have left me overthinking, crippled with the mentality that if I don't get it right I'm a failure.  This has been as simple as using the eftpos machine, not getting all the tasks I set for myself at work or something like eating too much junk during the day.  As I've lived my life I've functioned to survive through distraction & numbing.  I'm that person that pretty much says yes to more things even if my plates about to topple.  It's rooted in the feelings of unworthiness from the trauma I've been through.  I know that these things aren't the sum of who I am.  I know that I'm a child of God so whatever has happened to me, God is using (as uncomfortable & painful it is) for my good. This means taking the mask off my need to perform 100% all the time, honestly it's not even society's expect...

 A lot can happen in the span of a week. I sit here in recovery mode from a week that I know is the start of the healing that has needed to happen for years.  Healing contrary to my belief, isn't all peace, easiness or comfort.  From what I see and experience it's the complete opposite.  I liken to the physical healing that we go through when we're injured, my shoulder as an example.   When I injured myself in June, I literally couldn't move my shoulder without being in excruciating pain.  I went to the doctors x2 to get the diagnosis I needed to get the plan of recovery for it happening.  This has involved pain killers, heat, ice & physiotherapy as well as different scans and assessments on it.  All of it has accomplished what it needed to in the part of the healing process it was on.  I now sit here in September still attending physiotherapy but healed to the degree that my body has.  I'm in less pain, but certain things annoy it ...

Siting here on a cold morning, but it's only hitting 8am & I'm annoyed. Annoyed with the system & structures and well meaning processes that don't serve the most vulnerable within our communities.  I love my job, I do mostly it's just sometimes hard navigating a system that's not made for them.  Community agencies & workers are the middle men.   When I say middle man, I mean the in between Statutory agencies & the communities they serve.  Which for the most part I thoroughly enjoy, when there's really good outcomes for the whanau we work with.  A good outcome being in my perspective what's best for the whole whanau (which is almost impossible) but everyone does their best.  As I've been in this work for 4 years I've been blessed to see really good outcomes for whanau, but if I'm really honest the negative can outweigh the positive heaps of the time.  Interventions that are limited by funding, incompetence & poor decision makin...

 In August of 2020, only God could've known what this year was going to be like. The whole world is in the middle of a pandemic, our schedules, goals, plans & holidays all put on hold as the race is on to create a vaccine.  In the midst of it, season's have changed, friendships have developed & what God intended it to be has come to the forefront. I'm the type of person that thrives with plans & structures, and this year has really taught me that these are great things but not apart from God.  I did go to Colour which is the only thing planned that I was able to do LOL but to my despair & annoyance I cancelled my ticket for next year.  All the borders are still shut, and Covid cases continue to rise daily.  With this, forced rest which it definitely has been, I've learnt how to rest & slow down and really that most of what I was doing was needless & draining.  I've learnt to throw away the things (literal & metaphorical) and keep...

Embracing our uniqueness as I've observed in my years in not something society encourages us to do. We unconsciously are pulled towards things that call us to improve or change something about us, whether it's the latest pair of labelled shoes, a certain type of earring or the quickest weight loss fix.  Things that are disguised as things to improve ourselves, but really take away from the differences we have in us. Don't get me wrong I'm not completely anti any of these things.  It's all about intention & what's being gained from it by doing it.  Some people may get surgery on acne scarring or their teeth fixed because of a lack of confidence.  In these instances I can see the benefit.  However if there's not increase in confidence after these things this is where you may realise you've got a problem. If we're constantly striving, and wanting after things to improve ourselves not even to be a better more loving member of society but out of...