Even when it hurts.

 A lot can happen in the span of a week.

I sit here in recovery mode from a week that I know is the start of the healing that has needed to happen for years.  Healing contrary to my belief, isn't all peace, easiness or comfort.  From what I see and experience it's the complete opposite.  I liken to the physical healing that we go through when we're injured, my shoulder as an example.  

When I injured myself in June, I literally couldn't move my shoulder without being in excruciating pain.  I went to the doctors x2 to get the diagnosis I needed to get the plan of recovery for it happening.  This has involved pain killers, heat, ice & physiotherapy as well as different scans and assessments on it.  All of it has accomplished what it needed to in the part of the healing process it was on.  I now sit here in September still attending physiotherapy but healed to the degree that my body has.  I'm in less pain, but certain things annoy it & cause irritation.  These things are managed by pain relief, physiotherapy or my usual distraction.  Sometimes these things work, sometimes they don't.  Through this healing journey, I see this same process outworking in my internal healing.  The key thing for me is to be kind to myself & consistent in ensuring I look after myself throughout it.  Obviously the main thing is to keep close to God throughout it all.

I'll be honest, this also has been easier said then done.  I've had moments where all I've wanted to do is curl up & lock everyone else out.  I've had moments where I've questioned if the pain & processing that I'm dealing with is worth it.  Where when I've felt overwhelmed because of the constant attacks I've wanted to deal with it through distraction, through numbing & through not dealing with it.  

None of these things unfortunately work.  Temporary they numb the feelings I'm learning I need to embrace in order to heal.  To be human is to feel.  God did not give us emotions, the ability to think & bodily functions to do so if we weren't meant to.  I've been told many times in this to cry, talk & be angry if I am.  It's easier said than done, as all I've done in the years past is to distract, move on & not do this.  It's like my brain has so much unlearning & feeling to do my body struggles to deal with it.  I will do it though, I will keep leaning in to this level of intimacy with God through this season.  I will keep talking, turning up & refuge to go backwards in this journey of healing. 

I need prayer, & my family need prayer in this trying season that I know in the end will bring the restoration & healing God intends to keep bringing about.

God loves you big & in more ways then you know.

xoxo