Feeling, healing & functioning

In the last few days I've begun to see where I've let fear & anxiety take hold of my life again.

Things that I normally breeze through, have left me overthinking, crippled with the mentality that if I don't get it right I'm a failure.  This has been as simple as using the eftpos machine, not getting all the tasks I set for myself at work or something like eating too much junk during the day.  As I've lived my life I've functioned to survive through distraction & numbing.  I'm that person that pretty much says yes to more things even if my plates about to topple.  It's rooted in the feelings of unworthiness from the trauma I've been through.  I know that these things aren't the sum of who I am.  I know that I'm a child of God so whatever has happened to me, God is using (as uncomfortable & painful it is) for my good.

This means taking the mask off my need to perform 100% all the time, honestly it's not even society's expectations of me.  It's my own.  It's not God's.  It's my own.  The habits & thoughts that have kept me safe thus far, but now I see prevent me from God's best for my life.  I literally have had moments lately that when I'm not performing and I don't feel like it's worth it continuing.  I know that this is a lie from the enemy that I keep reminding myself it is.  I know that I've been held captive so long by it.  I've sought to distract, numb myself so I don't feel the emotions that actually have to be released.  It's not that I know the good that it will do, it's just that I'm so scared of feeling the pain that I do because in my mind it's like my power is being taken from me all over again.  This is another lie.  What I'm seeing and what I need to be focussing on is that the more I actually am honest about myself I feel a whole lot better.  It actually helps it become easier when I do it times after this.

When I've had moments so many moments, recently where I've tried to mask the emotions I'm feeling by maintaining control on some level by performing.  I need to remind myself that even though fear and anxiety is what I'm feeling heaps of the time now, it's not who I am.  I'm not defined by these moments, performance or my own expectations but by what God says about me.

Even this post is annoying me as I try to make it sound succinct, concise & frame it well.  I just want to be able to write, feel, and keep learning without getting in my own way of expressing & being who I really am.

Currently I'm in the space where I am more rested in my mind at times, but still heaps of the time I am stressed that I'm not meeting my own expectations.  I'm not being my best self.  With this I'm learning that this is entirely okay, if anything it's who I need to be in order to become who God's calling me to be.  Healing as much as I try isn't a tidy process, tick the box kind of thing.  It interrupts my daily routine through overthinking, panic attacks & moments of paralysis when I'm overwhelmed.  It's stressful, painful & hard.  It's not the pretty picture I wish I could paint it to be.  BUT.

It's not the sum of who I am, just a part of the process I need to keep embracing to heal, function & finally when feeling my feelings is normal I'll be able to thrive.

Ending on a note, where I feel like most days now my own condemning voice screams at me BUT I know that as I keep being honest God will continue to bring beauty for ashes & turn this mourning into dancing. In His timing NOT my own.

God loves you in your ugly too.

xox

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