When the thirst ain't real but the struggle is real
Ever been in a situation where you like really like something/someone?! and what you find is that the more you focus on it the more you want it? No? well let me paint a picture for you...
The mountains have always come well on cue every start/end of the year (depending on your view). Loneliness creeps in, boredom sets in & hello comparison you didn't think I'd forget about you did I?
Enter me, the look at me, I want attention/validation from the most attractive available guy in my life who I'm in the same circle as. So the texting and the flirting happens, the drawn out hugs, subtle touches and long gazes that only the two of us know about. All an attempt to get the guy I want. I don't settle, spending time with you in person is not enough, oh no I've got to have all of your attention. This means countless hours of me texting you daily and vice versa (if you wanted to hey).
The outcome of this was then me confessing my like for you and basically rushing ahead, wanting, no desiring the hugs, affection & words of affirmation from a guy.
Lets be real, you didn't have to be the best, my best you just had to be semi attractive christian & give me what I desired. Which was no hello at the time not sex, but close to it. When I strip it back it was probably close to it but not quite. I did this 8 times all in while in church, all winding up in hurt and heartbreak. I settled for less because I so desired what everyone else around me had.
This was my life for most of my life, and fast forward 2 years I'm finally glad that God has done the work He could only do to break off this thirsty tendencies and transform my thinking & behaviour. Its a battle though, especially when there's potentially a great Godly guy on the scene. It's been an interesting journey, I met him properly this year & to be completely honest I did to a degree repeat my old tendencies. Praise the lord it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm messaging/confessing my like for him. It doesn't mean I haven't wanted to though.
Just because you have a desire for someone doesn't mean I have to carry it out, I have and keep battling my flesh and it's all by the grace of God that I haven't faltered in it. God has been so kind always providing a way out of those moments where I've been way too touchy, overthought a whole bunch or checked my messenger in the wee hours of the night. Upon reflection, those moments I've pulled away, or been super aware of my hands and learnt to keep my hands to myself through accountability. He's done the same too.
It helps that whenever he speaks, or I'm around him I learn and this makes me not want to ruin things the way that they are. I'm also very aware that if it's a God thing, it'll happen in His timing NOT mine. I'm determined to pass this test finally. I don't want a ruined friendship because I completely misinterpret things. He's a really good guy, that because I'm at work doing my lane and vice versa I don't have the brain power or time to think about him. I do talk about him a fair bit with my few friends but it's not a constant thing like it use to be.
I'm learning to trust God more and realising my worth and value. As much I want to be married, kids and all of that. I want Gods best for me and I'm determined to not get in the way of that happening. I'm determined to not fail and win this test so when I die I can hear Jesus say (obviously with everything else I steward well) Well done good & faithful servant.
God loves you so big!
xoxo
The mountains have always come well on cue every start/end of the year (depending on your view). Loneliness creeps in, boredom sets in & hello comparison you didn't think I'd forget about you did I?
Enter me, the look at me, I want attention/validation from the most attractive available guy in my life who I'm in the same circle as. So the texting and the flirting happens, the drawn out hugs, subtle touches and long gazes that only the two of us know about. All an attempt to get the guy I want. I don't settle, spending time with you in person is not enough, oh no I've got to have all of your attention. This means countless hours of me texting you daily and vice versa (if you wanted to hey).
The outcome of this was then me confessing my like for you and basically rushing ahead, wanting, no desiring the hugs, affection & words of affirmation from a guy.
Lets be real, you didn't have to be the best, my best you just had to be semi attractive christian & give me what I desired. Which was no hello at the time not sex, but close to it. When I strip it back it was probably close to it but not quite. I did this 8 times all in while in church, all winding up in hurt and heartbreak. I settled for less because I so desired what everyone else around me had.
This was my life for most of my life, and fast forward 2 years I'm finally glad that God has done the work He could only do to break off this thirsty tendencies and transform my thinking & behaviour. Its a battle though, especially when there's potentially a great Godly guy on the scene. It's been an interesting journey, I met him properly this year & to be completely honest I did to a degree repeat my old tendencies. Praise the lord it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm messaging/confessing my like for him. It doesn't mean I haven't wanted to though.
Just because you have a desire for someone doesn't mean I have to carry it out, I have and keep battling my flesh and it's all by the grace of God that I haven't faltered in it. God has been so kind always providing a way out of those moments where I've been way too touchy, overthought a whole bunch or checked my messenger in the wee hours of the night. Upon reflection, those moments I've pulled away, or been super aware of my hands and learnt to keep my hands to myself through accountability. He's done the same too.
It helps that whenever he speaks, or I'm around him I learn and this makes me not want to ruin things the way that they are. I'm also very aware that if it's a God thing, it'll happen in His timing NOT mine. I'm determined to pass this test finally. I don't want a ruined friendship because I completely misinterpret things. He's a really good guy, that because I'm at work doing my lane and vice versa I don't have the brain power or time to think about him. I do talk about him a fair bit with my few friends but it's not a constant thing like it use to be.
I'm learning to trust God more and realising my worth and value. As much I want to be married, kids and all of that. I want Gods best for me and I'm determined to not get in the way of that happening. I'm determined to not fail and win this test so when I die I can hear Jesus say (obviously with everything else I steward well) Well done good & faithful servant.
God loves you so big!
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment