Moving forward despite the unexpected and assumed

Over the weekend, I got two experience my culture as share in a moment that I didn't think was going to happen again.

Long story short, I took part in an umu which was so good.  I'm feeling grounded in terms of learning that where I am is not a testament to me but my ancestors.  Sounds like super basic but it's taken me ages to get this lesson.  It was really cool and I'm loving getting to know more about my culture and embracing the history behind it too.  

The other thing that happened was to be honest not the best.  I'll be really honest, it sucked.  I'll spare you the details, but if you've read any of my other posts you know that I've had a history with my bfs that didn't actually become my bfs.  I've had a history of being promiscuous because I didn't know my worth.  I've even had a season where I've not wanted to be in a relationship because it was too much to go through.  You name it, this girls probably been through it.

I didn't know how to respond to what was said to me, I honestly can't even remember what my reaction was.  All I remember was talking to this person & 5 secs later I'm away from them talking like I didn't care.  Like hello there's no manual where I have an automated response on when someone you have feels for, smacks you in the face (metaphorically of course).  Being turned away hurts it really does.  I've toyed with the idea that he could have said it by accident or to test it, but I still don't like it.  I'll be honest I've cried about it cause I've been way too invested in it.  I'm more annoyed about myself cause I misread the signals but by the grace of God I'll be okay.  

It's happened to me so much in my life, so you'd think I'd be an expert on it haha.  Unfortunately I'm not, I get really annoyed, mad, then annoyed then avoidant then sad.  It's a stupid process but this is how I deal with it.  I also ignore the said person for a period of time, it's most likely that it's a forever thing but this case is different.  Like I can't get away from this person, I do ministry with him, so please pray for me as I pick myself up and carry on in this new season that I'm still in.

I have to do a lot with this person, and my flesh is screaming at me to keep ignoring him (like I did, so mature LOL)  but if I'm this Jesus follower like I claim to be I have to be good to him.  Like despite my pride, and flesh wanting to run away from church & him my life's not actually about me.  So I'll keep turning up and doing what I know that I've been called to do in this current season, face plants, hurt hearts and all.  I know there's a lesson behind this, I've obviously gotta cry it out before I realise it.  I'll get up though and laugh about it too, one day.  

I'm hopeful the right one will come eventually, I just can't revert to going back to being old Kerri because my ego's bruised.  Please pray for me and this next season I'm in.

God loves you BIG!

K xx

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When noone listens

So have felt like I've had the busiest last few months ever.   After mum left had a break then was back to helping out with our young adults ministry at church since we decided on our faith goal of 100 people going to retreat its been really busy.  I've felt so angry, frustrated, tired, annoyed (still am now) at the amount of work that's been happening but no one seems to listen to me.  It's frustrating but I know when I step back the 100 people we take represent the 100 potential God encounters that can take place at our retreat.  When I'm tired, and alone and only doing it with a few faithful people and it's getting too much I get reminded of the verse in Galatians 6:9-10 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10 So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.  I'm not going to have this opportunity forever, seasons will ch...
Read more

Thank you Mum

Dear Mum, I write this post in honor of you for the woman that you were to me and the impact you continue to have on all of us.  You have been my Nurturer from conception to your passing, your love for us never ceases to amaze me.  Your selflessness is one thing that I know I'm always going to be thankful for.  You were always putting our needs ahead of your own even right to the day you left us.  You were an amazing mother that always went beyond what you needed to some people would say you babied us but that was just you and I'm always going to be grateful for.  The laughs, growlings, hidings and the pickups and dropoffs are things that I'm missing the most. Your loud voice is what I miss a lot of too, and your out of tune singing and me growling you about the way you pronounce cold!! I know where you are and when I eventually do see you again mum I want to make sure I made you proud.  I remember lying with you that night and you telling me how proud yo...
Read more

A revelation of love

Last night during quiet time I really felt like the Holy Spirit made me realize the value of God's love for me during the worship song of like incense.  I've always known that God loves me, but I really felt God's presence show me this love through it, and it's stuck with me for most of the day today.  As you can tell this season's so full on.  I'm more appreciative of the time that I just get to sit, sometimes  I do struggle to just sit and do nothing but I know its for my benefit.  So this revelation of love, came fully to me after just feeling tired and overwhelmed by everything retreat.  The good thing about it is that I'm learning that its not my strength but by His spirit could feel His love for me last night and just felt so thankful for everything He's done so far for me and my family.  I've been stressed, worried and anxious and felt so good just resting in Him. Could really feel God's presence last night in the quiet.  Really realize ...
Read more