awkwardisoverrated

 Currently in the second to last week of the working year which I'm so excited about! Work has been a mixture of busyness & the observation/experience of people's survival mechanisms within a broken system.  I am blessed to being doing a job where I get to show people hope through helping, but it has it's frustrations & "fun bits" to it too.  I often state that the system is broken, but I have lately seen social media posts & have heard others saying if it wasn't designed in the way it was meant to how can we actually say it's broken when it's effectively doing what it's meant to.   It's obvious in most spaces I find myself working in, and even living within.  I live in South Auckland, always have but as I get older I'm seeing the evidence of systemic failures for our people.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a rant/post about how we don't get enough credit for the good happening in our community (that's another po...

 It's December 2020 and in 30 days we will farewell the year that everyone wants to forget. I'll be honest, to a degree this is me but mostly this year has brought several changes for me that I didn't actually think would be beneficial.  Imagine having most of what is familiar, habit & "traits" pulled, prodded & uprooted.  My environment has not changed much but it's the inner working God's been doing that literally has me more grateful than I've ever been. It's like the blinders are coming off, past hurts that use to determine my reactions & thoughts no longer have this hold on me (it's a daily process, I don't think I will ever reach the point that I arrive until I leave this earth).  I'm that person that over thinks the shiz out of everything.  To a degree I still do, in parts of me & life that impact my heart mostly.  However what 2020 has taught me is what I once thought was a stable  part of my life/personality is ...

It's been 2 weeks since I had shoulder surgery. I'm testing out my operated arm, and even still being in a sling for the next 4 weeks, God's been so kind in healing me from my pain.  I'm on minimal pain relief, and I think what I'm learning is that I will be my biggest barrier to recovery if I'm not wise.  So I type, ever slowly considering how and what's being done by God in this current season. Slowly use to be a word I disliked.  What I learnt in my time off, that this in actual fact is where I should be living.  I could never sit still for more then 5 minutes, actively searching for the next thing to do on my check list.  This has changed & continues to change in my recovery.  I've been forced by God to rest & seek help, which has been so challenging & butt hurting to be honest.  I am the person that will overload myself physically & metaphorically to help others.  Helping is not the enemy though, it's what I was getting from i...

This week's been an interesting one. Feels, feels & busyness.  Not the best mix for me.  Literally haven't felt so confronted by my internal critic in a few weeks & damn they've been loud since the start of the week. Anxiety has gone up as I approach the end of my working week and start of annual leave.  It's been a flurry of activity both at home & at work.  This as left me feeling like I'm chasing my tail everywhere I go.    This resulted in me having a crying session at home last night before I went to bed.  It was the ugly can't breath cry but this was an add on from the tears on Tuesday night, and yesterday morning.  I despise crying but I'm learning to embrace it when it comes, as holding it in only blocks me up & I'm short with everything and most things instead.  The cause of the tears are a mix of insecurity, fear and deep rooted self worth issues so fun things to deal with.  I can't distract myself out of expres...

In a season where loneliness & comparison are the loudest I've struggled more so lately to use what's in my hands. To use as defined by modern society would be to be doing, creating & making things happen.  Using would be action filled, moving & coming to a solution or an outcome.  As I'm seeing in this season, using is less then and more hands turns surrendered to what God's doing opposed to what I "can make happen".   Using is taking what's given to me, which real talk right now is the very real desire for affection, companionship & a family of my own.  Let's be real thank God it's not to the degree where I'm willing to actually download dating apps & force this to happen.  I'll be honest though, it's challenging not to want to, especially when all you're travelling through is hardship, pain & irritation.  I do know what's kept me from "putting myself out there" has been the conviction to wait...

In the last few days I've begun to see where I've let fear & anxiety take hold of my life again. Things that I normally breeze through, have left me overthinking, crippled with the mentality that if I don't get it right I'm a failure.  This has been as simple as using the eftpos machine, not getting all the tasks I set for myself at work or something like eating too much junk during the day.  As I've lived my life I've functioned to survive through distraction & numbing.  I'm that person that pretty much says yes to more things even if my plates about to topple.  It's rooted in the feelings of unworthiness from the trauma I've been through.  I know that these things aren't the sum of who I am.  I know that I'm a child of God so whatever has happened to me, God is using (as uncomfortable & painful it is) for my good. This means taking the mask off my need to perform 100% all the time, honestly it's not even society's expect...

 A lot can happen in the span of a week. I sit here in recovery mode from a week that I know is the start of the healing that has needed to happen for years.  Healing contrary to my belief, isn't all peace, easiness or comfort.  From what I see and experience it's the complete opposite.  I liken to the physical healing that we go through when we're injured, my shoulder as an example.   When I injured myself in June, I literally couldn't move my shoulder without being in excruciating pain.  I went to the doctors x2 to get the diagnosis I needed to get the plan of recovery for it happening.  This has involved pain killers, heat, ice & physiotherapy as well as different scans and assessments on it.  All of it has accomplished what it needed to in the part of the healing process it was on.  I now sit here in September still attending physiotherapy but healed to the degree that my body has.  I'm in less pain, but certain things annoy it ...