To feel & be is human

It's been 2 weeks since I had shoulder surgery.

I'm testing out my operated arm, and even still being in a sling for the next 4 weeks, God's been so kind in healing me from my pain.  I'm on minimal pain relief, and I think what I'm learning is that I will be my biggest barrier to recovery if I'm not wise.  So I type, ever slowly considering how and what's being done by God in this current season.

Slowly use to be a word I disliked.  What I learnt in my time off, that this in actual fact is where I should be living.  I could never sit still for more then 5 minutes, actively searching for the next thing to do on my check list.  This has changed & continues to change in my recovery.  I've been forced by God to rest & seek help, which has been so challenging & butt hurting to be honest.  I am the person that will overload myself physically & metaphorically to help others.  Helping is not the enemy though, it's what I was getting from it in doing it.  Confronted with my trauma & emotions that come with it, I've realised that it's been a coping mechanism to distract from my pain.  It's been uncomfortable but very freeing realising this, as I've begun to see my eyes wide open to the fact that processing & feeling aren't negative things or need to be repressed.  God has not given us all of them to bottle them all up, or be defined by them.  Feeling & releasing them healthily is where I'm attempting to live my life in.  God gives us tear ducts, community & emotions to feel & be human, I'd be lying if I said there weren't moments where all I wanted to be was a robot.  Not feeling but doing as a means to deal.   However this is not God's call or way for my life.

To feel is to be human.  To sit & be is to be human closest to where God has called us to be, sitting & resting in Him.  Not doing as a means to tick off a list, or to meet the world or my standards for living BUT being led by Him, responsive to what He does in & around me.  Being has been challenging for me.  When all I've done my entire life is do, achieve, help to distract from my feelings & pain.  I have been confronted with the fact that I suffer from anxiety (LOL I use to mock this) but having panic attacks made me realise it's really real.  Confronting it, and working through it has been a fight, where the first week of leave I had off couldn't deal with it cause I was so sick.  The second week wasn't a choice.  I had a few things I was triggered by, so off I went into do & control mode.  It wasn't nice to experience.  However there were times where I sat in my emotions, processed & confronted them.  I can't say it got better all at once, but God has been super kind & faithful in continuing to teach & heal me even when my own voice screams at me it's not worth it.  It's better to keep doing it my way, or my favourite go & kill yourself.   I trust that even with these thoughts & mental health journey God is & still with me in this.  He keeps turning up even when all I want to do is avoid, and distract from my anxiety.  I know that God has a plan & purpose for me even in this hard season.  God knows the struggles, desires & anxieties that live in my heart & with this is doing the work I know He is only equipped to do.

Finally as I end, one of the biggest lessons I continue to learn & be wide awake to is the realisation that even without my helping/doing God loves me.  Unconditionally.  I don't have to buy, strive or do for this.  With Jesus I have my worth & value.  It doesn't diminish if I'm just sitting at home or doing wherever I may be.  It's based on what's already done, the love of God is what keeps me going.   A lesson that I knew in my head, but now it's finally hit my heart.

This is why as I sit here back on my second day of work, I'm slower and not rushing to please others but God alone.  Even in my wanderings, fears & anxieties daily trusting that He's leading me to where I need to go is all I can do and all I'm charged to do.  Free from self/people pleasing simply turning up working unto the Lord everywhere He takes me is where I need to focus & put my energy.

God loves you so big in your stillness

xoxo

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