The holy work of healing

I sit here on a chilly Friday night pondering what lies ahead.  The weekend, life in general, NZ in general just humanity in general really LOL.  We are almost in May 2022 and all I can say is how did we get here so quickly.  The years almost halfway done.

Anyways onto the topic at hand, healing and what this looks like for me and possibly whoever reads this too.  Healing in my experience has not been linear, it has been high, low and everything in between.  I've come so far yet it feels like at times it's off putting wanting to continue.  Insert regressions, lessons and challenges of it.  

Facing into the things that I've just felt were my personality or habits that at the time helped me to survive aren't working for me currently.  I was once the girl that overthought everything, I wouldn't triple think things it would be like Quadruple and then some.  It helped me to prepare for any kind of circumstance that could pop up.  This morphed into myself and others viewing me as the girl that is always organized or usually has everything.  I started to overly identify as this and felt like a failure when I didn't have something that someone else needed.  This didn't feel weird at the time for me but what I realize as I do the work to heal it was a trauma response.

Growing up due to various different circumstances I learnt how to "keep the peace" and "be seen but not heard" so knew how to adapt according to what was going on around me or according to who was around.  I picked up very easily on other people's moods, emotions and body language something that I do as an adult still too.  I use to see this as a gift, but I realize now it was another trauma response.  Yay me.

I'd say as I learn about these different trauma responses and how my body, mind and nervous system have kept me safe as a child using them is got to be the hardest work I've ever done.  My degree and family circumstances have got nothing on them.  It's so very hard to the point where I want to throw in the towel and just keep living ignorant of my unhealthy traits and behaviors.  This isn't me though.

I gave it a good go recently and that was a whole learning experience too.  I convinced myself I could engage with someone on one level without needing anything else.  Cue "Don't lie" by Black Eyed Peas cause that's what I did.  I gave it a good go and failed miserably and not getting my heart hurt again.  I was trying to use a past coping mechanism attention and physical intimacy to deal with stress.  Turns out it didn't work because who I was when that use to work does not exist anymore.  She's literally dead and gone but I was out here trying to resurrect her LOL and yes I ended up in tears, again.  

There were some learnings in it though, I realized that I am tired of my own crap.  I was the one willingly entertaining something that wasn't going to work in the long run or really wasn't what I was after.  I lied to myself in a big way, I chose to repeat an unhealthy habit because I'd been okay before so surely another time wouldn't be so bad.  LIES and I was the biggest loser in this.  Weeks after it's finished I'm the only one who had to walk through the hurt not him just me. 

I with the soft heart that I have with God's help and grace have had to do the holy work of healing again.  I say Holy as it is literally only God that has pushed me to make better choices and consistently do them.  God has also been so kind to use my friends as ways to stay on track too, which was hard at the start but am now grateful for them and their hard truths.  It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but definitely needed.  

God continues to heal me from not just this cause although this recent hurt is challenging.  He's doing a bigger work on me from all the trauma I've experienced which has been a really hard thing but also had its moments of beauty too.  Despite the tears and angry feels.  Its' like everything that has sat in me for years is finally getting released by and through Him.  

Healing is really hard and something that I know many others can't or won't engage in as it's too much which I understand.  We live in a world that thrives on our numbness and self medication for our pain.  Goodness a few years ago I was literally using guys and service as a way to not sit in my feelings and trauma.  It felt like a reprieve at the time and served me then but really are old tools that I can't use anymore.  

She's healing which actually means facing into all the trauma, unhealthy habits and behaviors that I really don't want to keep living with.  Choosing healthy and whole long term behaviors over toxic and a temporary fix to avoid sitting with myself.  It looks like isolation, difference to what most of society is doing and can feel very lonely at times.  Right now it looks like choosing to put what's been sitting in my head this week on this blog instead of hitting up that person for cuddles because I want to be distracted from my pain & loneliness.  

The reality is I may be physically alone but I know that God is with me and keeping me on this journey of healing and wholeness.  I'm choosing to keep moving forward with Him as I know that listening to what toxic in me is only going to continue to harm me and keep me from who I was originally called to be.  

I was called and created for more and I hope you know that you are too.  Healing is hard, lonely and not for the fainthearted but what I'm learning daily is that its so worth it.

God loves you big!!

xox 

Kerri