oops I did it again
Ever had that feeling when you feel like the breath has been knocked out of you but nothing's actually hit you? metaphorically it has but you know that feeling that leaves you with regret, remorse and regret. There's a reason that word's there twice.
I did it again, I idolised the thought of a relationship, I idolised an outcome. I lost my hope because I put my hope in a situation changing. It hit me like a wave that smashes everything in sight, and when you're trying to come up for air it goes and hit's you again. I low key cried about it a little just cause I'm over being directed by this thing that I have yet to conquer. Not because I realised I couldn't keep hoping things would change but because I feel defeated by this test again. I laughed about it too because obviously because I know that this is small compared to what's to come. It will help develop and grow me, and it will help me keep me from returning to this idol.
I know that its my feelings and circumstances speaking and the truth is I will get back up again from this and learn. I guess a take away would be that I'm not rushing to pursue guys anymore like I use to so I've got to celebrate the small victories. When you've been round the same mountain multiple times you know that there's a part of me that refuses to trust God on this level. I get so mad at myself, because I feel like I am brave when it comes to massive issues in my life, but when it comes to this bit I tremble and become that anxious, scared 10 year old. It's like I'm scared that God can't bring about that man that will ultimately push me towards God and the things of him.
I know this is a lie, but it doesn't stop me from believing it. I turned something possible a great friendship into nothing because of my anxiety. I've been watching so many messages on it, and yeah I've learnt so much. However it's the application of it that matters. I feel like God kept me up til 3 because I needed to hear encouragement about the situation and how this will work. It came to me through a Steven Furtick live feed on face book. I'd be lying if I said I remembered any of it, but in the moments I was listening to it, it ministered to me. I will watch it over again until it hits my heart and I stop re-idolizing a relationship status, boy or job.
With stuff the way it is, I feel like everything that I've falsely put my hope in is not as great as it was a few weeks ago. My job love it but it has been so slow, and I miss working, my days have been admin, admin and your odd visit. My group are being typical millennials and just not following through the way I want them to and my family life good a lot of the time has been hard. This not to mention, the boy and friendship that I wanted now being out of sight too.
With my current world seeming to crumble I actually realised through deep and meaningful conversations with people that I love that the joy of the lord is all I need. Sounds cliche, simple and so not enough, but I complicate it. I feel like with society telling me how I should be this at this time really has affected me negatively in this situation. I wasn't living a life of integrity, I was encouraging my girls to wait and pursue God first. All the while I was idolising the thought of a relationship. My internal didn't match my external. Conviction came in the form of a sermon at 3 o'clock in the morning.
I'm done with living a lie. I'm done with dressing up my behaviour according to my context. I really want to walk into this next part of my life, really me authentic not just a great person on the outside but internally a heart after God's. So this looks like breaking out of my selfish way of relating, it means going and doing things just to please God not ulterior motives. It means dressing up because I want to reflect my value God's put inside of me, not for a boy or anyone else. It means turning up to church, not going through the motions hoping to catch the attention of that guy. It means actually walking by faith, not leaning on a potential that keeps me shackled to a tangible outcome.
This means walking in freedom. Doing because I want to be pleasing to the Lord, doing because I want to love others sincerely and show them Jesus not just to be seen as "great", "good" or a "loving" person. I want to have a pure heart and just do because my Dad the creator of universe calls me to, designed me to and longs for me to live free, not just state, or #hashtag it.
Doing means learning from this mistake, moving forward not hanging onto my ways clinging to His instead. Doing means letting go of my internal dialogue and assessment of things and trusting his ways. Doing means resting in His ability to move my life the way He designed it to, not categorising what He can do based on my experiences or ability.
Doing means not doing what I've done in the past again.
God loves you BIG!!
xoxox
I did it again, I idolised the thought of a relationship, I idolised an outcome. I lost my hope because I put my hope in a situation changing. It hit me like a wave that smashes everything in sight, and when you're trying to come up for air it goes and hit's you again. I low key cried about it a little just cause I'm over being directed by this thing that I have yet to conquer. Not because I realised I couldn't keep hoping things would change but because I feel defeated by this test again. I laughed about it too because obviously because I know that this is small compared to what's to come. It will help develop and grow me, and it will help me keep me from returning to this idol.
I know that its my feelings and circumstances speaking and the truth is I will get back up again from this and learn. I guess a take away would be that I'm not rushing to pursue guys anymore like I use to so I've got to celebrate the small victories. When you've been round the same mountain multiple times you know that there's a part of me that refuses to trust God on this level. I get so mad at myself, because I feel like I am brave when it comes to massive issues in my life, but when it comes to this bit I tremble and become that anxious, scared 10 year old. It's like I'm scared that God can't bring about that man that will ultimately push me towards God and the things of him.
I know this is a lie, but it doesn't stop me from believing it. I turned something possible a great friendship into nothing because of my anxiety. I've been watching so many messages on it, and yeah I've learnt so much. However it's the application of it that matters. I feel like God kept me up til 3 because I needed to hear encouragement about the situation and how this will work. It came to me through a Steven Furtick live feed on face book. I'd be lying if I said I remembered any of it, but in the moments I was listening to it, it ministered to me. I will watch it over again until it hits my heart and I stop re-idolizing a relationship status, boy or job.
With stuff the way it is, I feel like everything that I've falsely put my hope in is not as great as it was a few weeks ago. My job love it but it has been so slow, and I miss working, my days have been admin, admin and your odd visit. My group are being typical millennials and just not following through the way I want them to and my family life good a lot of the time has been hard. This not to mention, the boy and friendship that I wanted now being out of sight too.
With my current world seeming to crumble I actually realised through deep and meaningful conversations with people that I love that the joy of the lord is all I need. Sounds cliche, simple and so not enough, but I complicate it. I feel like with society telling me how I should be this at this time really has affected me negatively in this situation. I wasn't living a life of integrity, I was encouraging my girls to wait and pursue God first. All the while I was idolising the thought of a relationship. My internal didn't match my external. Conviction came in the form of a sermon at 3 o'clock in the morning.
I'm done with living a lie. I'm done with dressing up my behaviour according to my context. I really want to walk into this next part of my life, really me authentic not just a great person on the outside but internally a heart after God's. So this looks like breaking out of my selfish way of relating, it means going and doing things just to please God not ulterior motives. It means dressing up because I want to reflect my value God's put inside of me, not for a boy or anyone else. It means turning up to church, not going through the motions hoping to catch the attention of that guy. It means actually walking by faith, not leaning on a potential that keeps me shackled to a tangible outcome.
This means walking in freedom. Doing because I want to be pleasing to the Lord, doing because I want to love others sincerely and show them Jesus not just to be seen as "great", "good" or a "loving" person. I want to have a pure heart and just do because my Dad the creator of universe calls me to, designed me to and longs for me to live free, not just state, or #hashtag it.
Doing means learning from this mistake, moving forward not hanging onto my ways clinging to His instead. Doing means letting go of my internal dialogue and assessment of things and trusting his ways. Doing means resting in His ability to move my life the way He designed it to, not categorising what He can do based on my experiences or ability.
Doing means not doing what I've done in the past again.
God loves you BIG!!
xoxox
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