The death of "that girl"

Been wanting to post all day about my failed attempts at relationships yes feel free to laugh if my mistakes help at least one person I’ll be happy.  So been single for about 5 years most of my life actually cause only been in one relationship (if you can call it that lol) but that’s not to say I haven’t been in a constant pursuit of trying to get in a relationship, which was for a while exasperated once I became a Christian.  I’ve written letters, texts, and would be lying if I didn’t say I’d manipulated a lot of people and situations to try and get with a potential.  I use to constantly be on the lookout for fresh meat and think about and do whatever it took to display a better version of myself to them.  All of my attempts failed leaving me with embarrassment, guilt, shame and another piece of my heart prematurely given away.  Nonetheless in this journey of mine, God has shown me a better way through countless mistakes, tears, hopes shattered (that feeling you get when a potential you like starts dating someone else hahaha all the other singles will know what I’m talking about), failed set ups and me “acting” like a better edited version of myself.  I finally love myself (not in a self-absorbed cocky way) but through not working or studying and having just time to get to know God and myself better I’ve learnt that being gumby, anxious, over enthusiastic hyper me is okay through realizing that God loves all of these bits of me I’ve hated for so long in myself has made me love me.  It’s also made me want to be real and get to the point where when I finally do get in a relationship that guy has got to love all of those bits too and that be okay, I don’t have to act and try and be someone that I’m not.  I’ve said it to so many girls, and myself that a guy’s got to like me for me in the past and been lying through my actions and changing myself.  Whether that meant wearing more make-up, re-doing my hair or pretending to have qualities I didn’t or hiding my characteristics that made me who I am I did it.  I was a sell out to whatever guy came along next, I thank God that through all of my mistakes none of them actually made me walk away from Him, although I didn’t let Him in on that aspect of my life, He never left me.  He was constantly beside me showing me the right way even though I ignored His nudges, I was arrogant and wanted to write my love story the way I thought it should be.  Obviously I still struggle each day not to try and do things my way but learning from my past mistakes  I don’t want to be “that girl” who did whatever it took to get a guy.  It’s called being thirsty and I once was still can have those tendencies at time (just being honest)  but thankful I have family, friends and the Holy spirit that stop me from going backward.  So thankful I’ve reached a maturity in myself and my walk with God that isn’t afraid to be the real me and I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I’m actually content in my singleness, that’s not to say I’m not open to a relationship right now but have learnt by the grace of God that being in a relationship is not the be all or end all to my existence.  God’s enough and eventually when I’m in a relationship I’m happy that I’ve learnt to not base my value on my future spouse cause that’s not what they’re for (vice versa for me to them too).  I hope as I let God write my love story we’ll both be added bonuses to each other’s lives when I’m with that person that as we push each other towards God and the goals and dreams He sets on our hearts to help accomplish together for His glory.  I don’t claim will I ever claim to be perfectly content or to know it all when it comes to relationships and the waiting game but I hope that someone by reading this post is encouraged to know that you’re not alone in your single struggle, today’s obviously a good day in this season for me only God knows what I’ll be like for tomorrow.  I hope this entry encourages someone or at least makes them laugh at my story, I don’t think it’ll be my last entry on relationships or my single season (everyone that knows me knows how much I love talking about relationships lol) so you’re probably get more entries on my journey of killing the “that girl” in me. 

Thanks for reading J xox