naked and ashamed but still free indeed

I had the intention of writing up a post about my refusal to be "that girl" anymore but gonna save that for another time.  So at the moment I've finished university and in between post graduation and work,  honestly has had to be one of the most challenging times in my life but through it all realized that as frustrating as it is having no money, being lost about what to do next God has been so faithful.  This time of doing nothing has actually when I think about it now has been a massive time of growth for me, though externally it may not show put on weight and a lot of time I'm told I look depressed lol God is working within me.  Especially this last past week have fully been challenged about the importance of loving myself fully, I think I don't have much of a problem loving others and being encouraging, gracious towards them but I when it comes to myself I struggle.  I don't think I'm alone in this, but honestly feel like last night God like He loves to do brought up another thing that I thought I had dealt with up, and I didn't like it (who likes growth?? not me) but I know its what's best for me.  For one of the tasks two volunteers I was one of them, enthusiastic as I was, along with Matt as we were discussing vulnerability, had to walk into the room stand there quietly (everyone had to be quiet too) while a room full of 16 others just stared at me. It was probably one of the most awkward experiences that I've had, naturally we want people to talk to us, I felt judged, anxious, my heart was racing, I was fidgeting, and smiling awkwardly at the group and slipped some eye contact with others in.  I got told by the group about after that what they observed of me, and I laughed most of it off, trying to mask my embarrassment, but it didn't end there, Jase asked me how I felt and probed me with questions about my behavior.  I actually felt like I was going to cry when he asked me about why I'm quiet and timid at home, but I didn't cause I've made it cause I am a control freak so I try to cry only when necessary.  When I read that it sounds dumb, but it's the way I've become putting up a protective barrier around myself to mask my inadequacies and emotions that I don't want others to see.  However realized that I need to give it to God, and surrender fully these hidden parts of myself if I'm to experience the freedom that Jesus died and rose giving to me.  I know that because of last night and what God's been saying to me in this season, as weird and lost as I have been and am at times, I know that this season hasn't been a season in vain, that what I'm experiencing now is for the bigger picture, yes if I'm actually gonna claim my freedom brought for me need to be vulnerable, showing my ugliness to others and especially God.  I'm not going to end this saying I'm there, cause I'm not I'm journeying with my Daddy and He's though annoying and frustrating at times knows what's best for me.  So going to start being vulnerable to God and to others, knowing that because Jesus died for me not because of anything I've done or will do, I'm enough anxious, gumby, overanalytic, overenthusiastic, energetic, immature me He died for me so going to claim my freedom in Jesus all of me.