awkwardisoverrated

Today as people cry out questions rise from those seeking you.  Those that follow you too.  In the chaos, in the hurt we live in a fallen world where people look for an answer as much as they look for someone to blame.  We live in a fallen world.  Where not expressing your opinion is an offence as much as when you do.  We live in a fallen world.  Where people rise unified by cause unheard & angry, justifiably so.  We live in a fallen world.  Where we see the tension of what is & what we long for.  We live in a fallen world.  We see the pain, suffering & cries for peace.  We see those in power condemning those that make a stand.  We live in a fallen world.  We see churches rising to join in the stand for justice for the Black community.  We see churches lay silent that side with those wanting to keep the "peace".  We live in a fallen world.  We see a world hurting. We see our lives impacted by ...

How do I start? This week has been an interesting week, filled with hard conversations & a greater awareness of me.  Currently at church we are learning about Identity, it's solidified in God through Christ Jesus, but many times in my journey of faith & life we unknowingly tie it to external things. These external things could be school achievements, our family relationships, fitness/health goals, work goals, or even our serving in church.  Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with these things, they're great things to have.  How we use them to measure our self worth/value becomes the issue, they're tools not the end goal. In my 30 years of life, in the various season's I've tied my ID and value to all of these things.  As I've been able to reflect when I've done so it's only left me wanting more, or disillusioned with them.  I've been left feeling tired, and not enough when I haven't "measured up".   The lock ...

Its been ages. Like I can't even remember when I last posted.  Funny though cause we've been in the middle of a pandemic and have ample time but sensed it wasn't the right time to write. Seems like I have a conviction to do that today, I've been stubborn as in I've put off writing cause the season has been a challenging one in the wait.  I find it harder to write when I don't have "good content" to write on I chuckled at this.  Cause what is good content, the type that shows movement, speed & tangible outcomes?  cause thats what's preached from society. I'd say I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  Good content is me showing my struggle & peace currently.  How the wait has turned into a daily battle of me not obsessing over if anythings happening, to exchanging this for Gods peace instead.  It's a challenge.  However.  I've learnt and continue to learn that the more I've leant in and been still, literall...

This past season has been insane. I've dropped so many things out of obedience to God and some of them had made sense.  Many of them not so much.  I'm that person that really likes doing a million things at once, great in theory, but not so much in real life. As I've slowed down, I've started to see where my actual convictions lie and the why behind my what.  It has not been the most comfortable journey, if anything, completely opposite to it.  I've had to constantly reflect on moments where my flesh has hurt & I've wanted to just continue to do it my way.  An example of this was yesterday, I was taking my Niue classes last year & I loved them, but this is one of the things I've been asked to put down for a season.  The classes got advertised and instantly I got excited and wanted to enrol, insert Holy spirit saying "But I've told you not to do that".  It's one of the things I've gone back & forth on but as I've begu...

So it's 2020! Can't believe the year has gone and this new one's begun craziness.  In amidst all of it, I sense that it's going to be one full of more  stretch and change. Last year was one of the best years yet, hardest but best.  Went beyond the shallows in my trust of God again, and decided to go deeper with Him.  I'll be really honest, it was sore, and tiring & I wanted to give up 99% of the time. But God, in His kindness & faithfulness continued to show up. The year of 2019 was a year filled with the new, where God pushed me to trust Him in new ways.  I lost relationships, had mindsets shattered and really started to let fear go.  A lot of what I perceived as normal & healthy came to light as untrue.  What developed through these moments though was a renewed sense of trust in God and His plans for me.  It's not easy choosing to keep trusting that His ways the right way in all honesty.  It's been a battle of fighting aga...

Ever had moments where you really realise how stubborn you are? Or times where you see that the annoyance and avoidance you show are protective mechanisms? This has been my life the last 2 weeks, it's been annoying and frustrating cause it seems that God is shouting at me about an area in my life. The area that I haven't allowed him to move in for most of my life, I've always been reliant on me keeping me safe in this area.  It's served me pretty well up until now. I sense its the part of my life, thats going to be healed next. I'm just scared cause this wasn't my plan or way I wanted things to pan out. I didn't want to "go backwards" in admitting my like for a person.  When I think about it now it's whats standing in the way of me going forward in God. Regardless of the outcome if I get butt hurt it's okay, cause that's temporary.  It won't be a thing, I'll get over it, if it's not then I don't know.  I re...

These last few weeks have probably been some of the craziest I've ever experienced in my life. No words, thoughts or anything could have prepared me for what happened. It's not a omg did someone die kind of experience but in a sense it is. I don't think I have the words currently to articulate it but lets just say that its to do with my family life and a raising of the sort. When you realise that you had a voice, but the stuff of life has silenced it in a sense, but then you grow and then your voice gets louder again.  Back to the way it was designed by the Creator. When things don't make sense but you have that peace that surpasses all knowledge & all understanding come. I may not know what happens next, but because I know the One that does I'm not worried, well not as much as I use to. The things that I held dear, that I placed my worth/value in have broken apart and it feels like my world of security has been taken from me.  However...