Rest, surrender & the waiting game.

In a season where loneliness & comparison are the loudest I've struggled more so lately to use what's in my hands.

To use as defined by modern society would be to be doing, creating & making things happen.  Using would be action filled, moving & coming to a solution or an outcome.  As I'm seeing in this season, using is less then and more hands turns surrendered to what God's doing opposed to what I "can make happen".  

Using is taking what's given to me, which real talk right now is the very real desire for affection, companionship & a family of my own.  Let's be real thank God it's not to the degree where I'm willing to actually download dating apps & force this to happen.  I'll be honest though, it's challenging not to want to, especially when all you're travelling through is hardship, pain & irritation.  I do know what's kept me from "putting myself out there" has been the conviction to wait.  God knows how hard this has been to do especially now.  When all I'm forced to do is trust, be & turn the overthinking off & instead be led by my conviction not my fleeting emotions.  All I can do is trust that God's continuing to work in this.  Especially when I have not seen said person for ages, I haven't had the space to give to communicating virtually with them (or anyone besides my immediate circle) since August & even with this all being absent I still really want to wait.  I've prayed about about stopping this wait, because it'll be so much easier to just let it go.  However I still get the word wait.  The struggle has been so real.  Continuing to trust God with this wait, even though all I want to do is "make it happen on my own accord", especially cause it's coming up to a year (plus the 10 years before this) LOL.  

I'm the type of person that has a high capacity to do multiple different things at one time, ON MY OWN.  This season lately has made very obvious to me, the fact that I need to use the people God's given to me to help support me.  It's not in the romantic sense either, He's bringing & taking different people out of my life to show me I miss independent, no thank you I don't need help that it's actually a blessing to be on the receiving end of help too.  This has meant "using what's in my hands" has been different this season, it's looked like constantly surrendering to God's ways above my own by resting, it's meant taking help when other's offer it, it's been about switching off my mind and sitting still & allowing God to break off my performance based mentality that has me all the time in Go/work mode (even in my relationship with God).  He's teaching me heaps about the need to see myself through His eyes by resting & receiving simply for just being a King's kid.  

I literally am entering a period of time where I'm going to be the most limited I've been as I have surgery on my arm.  Where I will have no choice but be still, and lean on others to help me daily with the most simple things.  I will be in a sling for 4 weeks, so no driving for 10 days (but you know I want to try), and recovery will be for the next 3 months.  This is going to be an interesting season, where forced rest (cause Covid lock down was obviously not enough for me to be still) will allow God to breathe, rest, restore & prepare me for what's ahead.

If I don't post again before the end of the month, it'll be a Christmas post to end this season of blogging for me.

God loves you big!

xoxo

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