Still waiting

Its been ages.

Like I can't even remember when I last posted.  Funny though cause we've been in the middle of a pandemic and have ample time but sensed it wasn't the right time to write.

Seems like I have a conviction to do that today, I've been stubborn as in I've put off writing cause the season has been a challenging one in the wait.  I find it harder to write when I don't have "good content" to write on I chuckled at this.  Cause what is good content, the type that shows movement, speed & tangible outcomes?  cause thats what's preached from society.

I'd say I've learnt that the opposite is actually true.  Good content is me showing my struggle & peace currently.  How the wait has turned into a daily battle of me not obsessing over if anythings happening, to exchanging this for Gods peace instead.  It's a challenge.  However.  I've learnt and continue to learn that the more I've leant in and been still, literally not pursued or chased said person.  I've had a peace that doesn't make sense.  Even when people well meaning ask me whats happening, I laugh about it cause I trust that God is moving.  In the stillness, in the quiet, in my not doing, He's moving.  As I type that doubt attempts to creep in.  Its a weightiness on my chest, I now know it's fear and anxiety.  I refuse to follow it though, it's left me confused, panicked & insecure.  Filled me with worry and what ifs.  I refuse to go back to following that, cause it use to be my best friend.

Right now as I type and listen to a message at work, I reflect on what use to bother me not really bothering me anymore.  It's taken practice though.  I don't think I'll arrive, but I literally feel like every time I choose to rebel and not follow my feelings I'm honouring God.  Even when it doesn't make sense, and it's slow & my like only increases as the days go by.

I'll keep trusting God with this cause He knows whats best for me.  Even if it isn't said person and this is me being cray.  I trust that in His timing, in His way by His grace He will give me what I need when I need it.

God loves you hecka big!

xox

Kerri

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