The onion
Lately it's been a confronting few weeks.
It started with a conversation with a client that led me to realising I actually hadn't dealt with things I thought I had. That feeling you get in your throat, and ache in your chest.
What happens in the days after is nothing short of God's hand and display of His sovereignty. I then get prayer for stuff from a stranger that confirms conversations, happening after the original one with my client. That Sunday my family run into family members that we've disconnected from in the last 4 years because of past trauma.
I got mad at God initially cause I'm like here we go again. The rollercoaster of emotions that accompany my anxiety about not knowing what's next with my family.
It's another layer of the onion that I never anticipated happening. Like hello when I look back now it makes sense. It doesn't necessary mean I'm ready, but experience has told me this is generally when things start shifting. It's like God knows everything is the way it's meant to be, but its that deep trust that I'm getting developed inside of me that He's unearthing.
This as well as childhood stuff with my parents now calling for an audience (me). I've never really processed the stuff I saw/heard cause it didn't seem like I needed to, as mum's gone & my relationship with my father has improved ten fold. Also who wants to confront pain in any context?? I know I don't.
I now have been made aware of whats needing my attention, and it's up to me if I take up the challenge. It's more the internal stuff that gets me, rather then what's happening externally to be honest. I don't want to go into that place of pain, cause I don't like those memories or want to see my dad as that person he use to be, but obviously there's things that I need to work on to move forward.
I can honestly say I've forgiven my dad for what happened between him & mum. She made her peace with it, and we came out stronger tyj. I do however realise there's a lot of now things I find myself doing because I haven't actually dealt with the trauma. I do know where the anxiety comes from. So I'm starting the process of responding to it through healthier means, but acknowledging & processing it first. I really don't want not dealing with it to continue to impede my relationships.
With past trauma comes learnt ways of coping, enter self loathing & comparison as well as a performance based mentality. I've learnt to live with them as my friends but I don't want their company anymore.
I actually want to live out of the fullness and freedom God has intended for me. In order for me to do this, I need to allow God to keep unravelling the onion of my life, I know there's going to be tears as well as an outpour of emotions coming. I do also know my actual best God intended free life is coming too.
God loves you BIG!!!
I hope this helps those dealing with onion peeling (the metaphorical type) too!
It started with a conversation with a client that led me to realising I actually hadn't dealt with things I thought I had. That feeling you get in your throat, and ache in your chest.
What happens in the days after is nothing short of God's hand and display of His sovereignty. I then get prayer for stuff from a stranger that confirms conversations, happening after the original one with my client. That Sunday my family run into family members that we've disconnected from in the last 4 years because of past trauma.
I got mad at God initially cause I'm like here we go again. The rollercoaster of emotions that accompany my anxiety about not knowing what's next with my family.
It's another layer of the onion that I never anticipated happening. Like hello when I look back now it makes sense. It doesn't necessary mean I'm ready, but experience has told me this is generally when things start shifting. It's like God knows everything is the way it's meant to be, but its that deep trust that I'm getting developed inside of me that He's unearthing.
This as well as childhood stuff with my parents now calling for an audience (me). I've never really processed the stuff I saw/heard cause it didn't seem like I needed to, as mum's gone & my relationship with my father has improved ten fold. Also who wants to confront pain in any context?? I know I don't.
I now have been made aware of whats needing my attention, and it's up to me if I take up the challenge. It's more the internal stuff that gets me, rather then what's happening externally to be honest. I don't want to go into that place of pain, cause I don't like those memories or want to see my dad as that person he use to be, but obviously there's things that I need to work on to move forward.
I can honestly say I've forgiven my dad for what happened between him & mum. She made her peace with it, and we came out stronger tyj. I do however realise there's a lot of now things I find myself doing because I haven't actually dealt with the trauma. I do know where the anxiety comes from. So I'm starting the process of responding to it through healthier means, but acknowledging & processing it first. I really don't want not dealing with it to continue to impede my relationships.
With past trauma comes learnt ways of coping, enter self loathing & comparison as well as a performance based mentality. I've learnt to live with them as my friends but I don't want their company anymore.
I actually want to live out of the fullness and freedom God has intended for me. In order for me to do this, I need to allow God to keep unravelling the onion of my life, I know there's going to be tears as well as an outpour of emotions coming. I do also know my actual best God intended free life is coming too.
God loves you BIG!!!
I hope this helps those dealing with onion peeling (the metaphorical type) too!
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