value by my own means is meaningless



So I haven’t posted in a while partly cause of work and a lack of motivation.  I’ve only felt drawn to write when there’s something big going on in my world but can’t say that hasn’t happened cause a lot has changed over the last few months.  Christmas has happened, finally started working, a further prognosis of mum’s cancer was given and it wasn’t great, however I just haven’t wanted to write.  I’ve thought about it, planned to but it never has happened.  Procrastination and busyness have been convenient excuses of not to write, but regardless of how hard the last few months and year has been on my family & I being reminded by others and God of how much I’ve grown in faith.  Think it was a timely reminder because before we had our dinner I felt not depressed but just like my spirit was down and I hadn’t accomplished much this year.  Being around friends was encouraging and getting presents was a bonus, really felt the importance of staying connected even when you want to hide under a rock that God emphasizes He truly doesn’t call us to do life alone.  So after that ramble I’ll actually start writing about the topic I wanted to discuss which was a hard one that I feel God is challenging me in lately.  The comparison game when it comes to anything in the world that we live in we’re constantly challenged to better ourselves whether it’s in relation to health, work, family or relationships we’re always called to improvement.  This can be good but what I’ve felt challenged on in the last few months is a struggle that I face in my friendships, at work and family it’s mainly because instead of trying to be the best me it’s become more of a I need to be better than someone else.  I was at work one day & a girl came in that I knew from high school instead of asking her about what she was doing with herself now I talked mainly about myself and how much I’ve accomplished and my family.  Think it was the Holy spirit convicting me because I knew that I only did it to validate my reasons for working where I was at, kind of like a one upping of a kind because of my identity at high school.  As I type I realize that I haven’t actually let go of what I achieved at MC and still proudly carry it like it adds value to me when at the end of the day it really doesn’t yeah it helped me develop character and some confidence but it was all based on unchanging, uncertain circumstances that could’ve been snatched from me in an instant.  The verse in Ecclesiastes about all our striving being meaningless comes to mind and it is living life in the season  that I’m in at its best being guided by God is what matters.  His glory is what matters and my value isn’t based on how well I run against others it’s not even based on how well I run my race it’s based on Jesus, unchanging, constant and faithful & true.  I’m feeling extremely challenged in the area of relationships too based on my insecurity I’ve talked about others to make me feel good about myself and look better when all it does is make my integrity as a person lessen (if that makes sense).  God really has got His work cut out for Him with me as I’m finding myself these past months, I’ve gone into overprotective mode to doing stuff to only get my way but covering it up like I’m doing it for their good.  Being undercover to make me look best without even realizing has shown me that I’ve let the competitive nature in me rob me of some of my integrity.  Doing stuff to one up people has shown me how much I’m still trying to rely on my own ways to live my life when my life should be centered on Him and His ways.   I thank God for his grace and truth and that He still loves me and is ever working in me despite my grime.  I don’t have it all worked out and realizing the need to stop one upping girls and others is meaningless yes all that I try to do by my own strength and striving is MEANINGLESS.  Advice to present and future self as quoted by Joyce Meyer Be yourself because everyone else is taken.  Be faithful in whatever season you’re in and truly just be the best you. 

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